Week 38 · Grading the Shepherds Since the Lord Saw Fit to Provide a Clipboard

Vol. IV, No. 38

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 314 (Mrs. Odom's neighbor has subscribed and immediately written a letter)

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

The lock-in.

I have attended nine quarterly lock-ins at Bethel Lutheran as an observer. I have graded the facilities, the supervision, and the snack table nine times. I have never before graded a youth leader by name, because youth leaders are volunteers and the Rubric has, until this week, considered volunteers beneath assessment.

I have changed my mind. A man who occupies the same top bunk two quarters running, does his rounds on time, and asks the observer beneath him a direct question deserves a direct answer, and the Rubric's direct answers come with letters attached. He has one now. It is below.

For readers unfamiliar with the arrangement: the young people sleep in the gymnasium under Mrs. Krause and two chaperones. The volunteer leaders and the observer sleep in the fellowship hall, forty yards and two fire doors away, in steel bunks, so that they may be roused for rounds without waking the youth. This is the bylaws' arrangement, not mine. I mention it because Sister Marguerite has asked, and because I want it understood that everything in this issue's lock-in report occurred in a room containing exactly two adults and a snack table.

Also: I slept. See the Correction.

BETHEL LUTHERAN — QUARTERLY LOCK-IN

Youth Ministry Overnight — Observer's Report

Remarks: Supervision of youth A-. Rounds at 11:00, 1:00, and 3:00, conducted by the volunteer leaders in rotation. All three rounds occurred within four minutes of schedule. I know this because I was awake for two of them and have been told about the third.

Facilities B. The bunks are steel and the mattresses are two inches thick. The bottom bunk nearest the wall — mine, as it has been for nine quarters — has a frame that does not creak, which I have previously credited to Lutheran engineering and which I tested this quarter under conditions considerably more demanding than previous quarters. It held. It did not creak once. B for the mattress; the frame alone would be an A.

Snack table C+. One pizza box, one bag of pretzels, one sleeve of the small powdered donuts that leave evidence. Emptied by 10:15. There was nothing left to eat after that, and I want that noted, because a man who is not eating must occupy himself somehow, and I had brought a pickle, and I had it in the back row of the Route 9 on the way over, and by midnight it was gone.

Lighting after midnight D. An exit sign and a single nightlight. I have said for nine quarters that this is insufficient for note-taking. I will say this quarter that it was insufficient for seeing — I had to rely on other senses — and that when one is on one's back on a two-inch mattress trying to read the face of a man on a ladder above, a nightlight is not enough.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) The sleeping bag issued to the observer is a thin navy one and it was kicked to the foot of the bunk by 12:40. I do not know by whom. I have decided not to know.
• (2) The snack table was used, after 1:00 a.m., as a surface for something other than snacks. A clipboard, specifically. I set it there because I needed both hands.
• (3) The gymnasium door was checked and found locked from the inside at 11:00, 1:00, and 3:00. Good. I confirmed it myself at 1:04 in my socks.

BETHEL LUTHERAN — VOLUNTEER YOUTH LEADER

Mr. Gunnar Lindqvist — Top Bunk, Wall Side

Remarks: Mr. Lindqvist is twenty-six, a second-year seminarian at the synod college in the city, six feet and four inches by my estimate — I had occasion to estimate — with pale hair cut close, a jaw he does not shave on Fridays, forearms that suggest he has rowed something, and a manner of speaking that consists mainly of not speaking. He volunteers at Bethel one weekend a month and at every lock-in. He took the top bunk above the observer last quarter and asked whether I "was always like this." He took it again this quarter. He arrived at 8:10, ten minutes after the observer, put his duffel on the top bunk without asking whether it was claimed, and said, "Same as last time?" I said I did not know what he meant. He said, "Tie on, shoes off, no sleeping." I said that was the observer's practice. He said, "Figured," and climbed up, and the ladder is on the wall side, which means his boots were at the level of my face for the length of time it takes a tall man to climb three rungs, and I have recorded that it is longer than one would think.

Rounds punctuality A. Mr. Lindqvist took the 11:00 and the 3:00. He climbed down for the 11:00 at 10:58, in his socks, and stood at the foot of my bunk lacing his boots and looking at me while he did it, and said, "You want to come?" I said the observer observes from the bunk. He said, "Suit yourself," and went, and was back at 11:14, and climbed up, and the frame took his weight without a sound, and I lay there and listened to it not make a sound for some time.

Bunk discipline A+. I have not awarded an A+ outside of Reverend Hale's posture in four years and I am aware of what it means to do so. Here is why. At approximately 12:30 Mr. Lindqvist leaned over the rail of the top bunk — upside down, from my vantage — and said, "You're not writing." I said the light was insufficient. He said, "Then what are you doing down there?" I said I was observing. He said, "Observing what?" and I did not answer, and he said, "Move over," and I want to be very clear that a top bunk has a rail and a bottom bunk does not, and that a man who chooses to give up the rail is making a decision about discipline, and that the bottom bunk, nearest the wall, is thirty inches wide, and that it held two adults, one of them six-foot-four, for a period I did not time, without creaking, and that I have never in nine quarters been in a position to test the frame so thoroughly, and that Mr. Lindqvist's discipline — his stillness, when stillness was required, at 1:00, when the other leader's flashlight came through the fire door for rounds and passed over a bunk that appeared to contain one observer under a sleeping bag and one very flat seminarian against the wall — was total. He did not breathe. I do not think I did either. A+.

After-hours demeanor A-. Marked down from A for a single remark. At approximately 2:15, when the observer had removed his glasses for the first time in nine lock-ins and was in some difficulty locating them, Mr. Lindqvist found them on the floor by the ladder, cleaned them on the hem of his own shirt, and put them back on my face himself, and said, "There. Now you can observe." That is familiarity. That is hardly appropriate. I have marked it down and I would ask readers to note that I did not take them off again.

Volume A. He is a quiet man. He was quiet throughout. The one exception was a single word, at a moment I will not specify, spoken very low against the back of my neck, and it was "Clark," and it is the first time in nine lock-ins anyone at Bethel Lutheran has used my name, and I have recorded it under Volume because I do not have a column for what it was actually under, and I am not going to make one.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Mr. Lindqvist does not shave on Fridays. I have said this above. I am recording it again here as an infraction because I have the marks to prove it and they were still visible at breakfast.
• (2) At 3:00 Mr. Lindqvist rose for rounds and I did not hear him go. I have said for nine quarters that the observer does not sleep. See the Correction.
• (3) The observer's tie was found, at 6:00 a.m., to be tied. Windsor knot. Correctly dimpled. I did not tie it that way. I tie a four-in-hand. I have asked who tied it and been told, "You looked like you needed it done right." I have never been so disturbed by a correctly tied knot. I have also not untied it.
• (4) The red bandana was found, at 6:00 a.m., around the observer's throat. I do not recall moving it from the backpack. I have stopped recalling where the bandana goes. I have started checking.

Trend: New to the Rubric. A- on first assessment. I would remind readers that Reverend Hale took four volumes to reach A-, and I would ask them not to write in about it, because I have already written it in the ledger, in red, with a question mark, and I am looking at the question mark now.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, Genesis 32:22–31

Remarks: Second consecutive A-. Jacob wrestles the angel. "I will not let you go unless you bless me." The Reverend preached it well and I have nothing to correct.

Demeanor A- and not A for one reason. After service, in the empty sanctuary, the Reverend came down to the front pew and looked at my collar for a long moment and said, "That's not your knot." I said it was a Windsor. He said, "I know what it is. It's not yours." I said the Rubric does not discuss the Editor's neckwear. He said, "Bethel Lutheran," and it was not a question, and he sat down at the far end of the pew — four feet, back to four — and did not say anything else, and I completed my notes, and he did not offer to drive me to the bus, and I caught the 8:15 for the first time in three weeks.

I have not decided whether that is Demeanor. I have decided it is not nothing.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Sleeves rolled. Tenth issue. Standing.
• (2) Oxblood necktie, Windsor, knotted throughout. Standing line. I did not examine it at close range this week. I want that recorded.
• (3) The front-row pew was not tested.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Fr. Brennan — Homily & Reconciliation Audit (Thurs.)

Remarks: Thursday, 3:30 to 5:50. Father said "Child." I lasted ninety seconds.

I described the lock-in. All of it, in more detail than printed above, because the confessional has a readership of one. When I finished, Father was silent for what I estimate was three minutes and then said, "Whose knot is that." I said a seminarian's. He said, "Lutheran." I said yes. He said, "Hm." That is his second Hm in three weeks. Then he said — and this is the first instruction Father Brennan has ever given me that was not "Go on" — he said, "Take it off." I said I was in a confessional. He said, "I know where you are." I took it off. He said, "Now do it your way." I tied a four-in-hand in the dark by feel with my hands shaking, and when I had done it he said, "Better," and absolved me, in Latin, and his hand was on the lattice the whole time, and I have written Better at the top of the Confessional Demeanor column beneath Hm, and it is still not a letter, but it is the closest it has come.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) The bolt. Eighth issue. It is not going to be tightened. I have accepted this the way one accepts weather.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class

Remarks: Marked down a further step. Sister looked at my collar at the door, said "Four-in-hand," and then, "It was a Windsor on Sunday. Mrs. Odom said." I said Mrs. Odom should attend to the copier. Sister said, "She does. It runs hot." Then she handed me a folded slip of paper and said, "Fourth request. In writing this time. Father says he's seen inside it. I would like the same courtesy." I have not opened the slip. I have not declined it either. It is in the other pocket, with the ledger, and the two of them are not getting along.

GRACE FELLOWSHIP COMMUNITY CHURCH

Brother Danny Cole — Young Adult Ministry

Remarks: Corndogs, as promised. B+. The Rubric does not grade promises but it does grade kept ones, apparently, because I have given him half a step for it and I am not taking it back.

Brother Danny looked at my neck before I had sat down and said, "Somebody got you, Clipboard." I said I had been at a lock-in. He said, "Yeah, I can see that." Deadbolt after class. Third time. It is a pattern now and I have recorded it as one and I have stopped pretending I check the door for any reason other than to hear whether it turns.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Jeans.
• (2) Clipboard.
• (3) "Somebody got you." I have been on this Circuit four years and I have been graded, scolded, escorted, absolved, and had my tie retied without permission, and I have never once been got, and I have recorded the word so that I can decide what it means, and I already know.

MOUNT ZION PENTECOSTAL

Pastor Ezekiel Rawls — "The Wrestling"

Remarks: Not asked to leave. Second time. The Pastor preached Jacob and the angel the same week as Reverend Hale, which is either the lectionary or the Lord, and at the end he said from the pulpit, "Even the boy with the clipboard's wrestling something," and the congregation laughed, and I did not, and I gave him a C+ and stayed for the whole three hours to prove I could.

ST. MARK'S EPISCOPAL

Fr. Whitcombe — Sunday Eucharist

Remarks: Ten minutes.

Custodial Note: Mr. Pruitt was in the closet when I arrived. He looked at my neck. He did not say anything. He reached past me to the top shelf — the lowered one — took down the brass polish, and set it in my hands, and said, "So you don't have to stretch." That is the first time in four years of auditing that closet that I have not had to stretch for anything, and I stood there holding the polish, and I did not know what to do, and he did, and I have given the closet an A and left the verger's column blank because I am running out of ways to grade tall men who fix things without being asked.

THE ROUTE 9 CHURCH BUS

The Driver — Round Trip, Harlan Crossing to Bethel Lutheran

Remarks: Outbound, Friday evening: I ate the pickle. Twenty-four minutes of fifty. Return, Saturday morning: I did not eat anything. I sat in the back row in a Windsor knot I had not tied with a red bandana at my throat and marks on my jaw and I completed my notes, and the number was twenty-nine. Twenty-nine minutes of fifty. There was nothing to eat and nothing to watch and he watched anyway. D-. When I stood to get off he said, "Good night?" I said the observer does not discuss the lock-in. He said, "Didn't ask about the lock-in."

NOTICE TO BETHEL LUTHERAN

The summer lock-in is in twelve weeks. I will require the bottom bunk nearest the wall. I have been informed by Mrs. Krause that Mr. Lindqvist has "already put in for the top." I have said that is Mr. Lindqvist's affair. I have also asked whether the fellowship hall's nightlight might be upgraded, and been told no, and I have decided not to press.

LETTERS

Mrs. Odom's neighbor writes: "Is this newsletter about church?"

Yes.

Mr. Lindqvist writes, on the back of a Bethel Lutheran rounds sheet, in pencil: "A-? What's it take."

I have heard that question before, Mr. Lindqvist, from a man who has been asking it for four volumes. You may ask him. You may also note that he received his A- in a sanctuary and you received yours on a two-inch mattress, and that the Rubric has never before graded on a curve, and is not starting now, and that I have your rounds sheet and I am keeping it.

Reverend Hale writes, on First Baptist letterhead, one line: "Four-in-hand suits you."

Noted.

CORRECTION

The Rubric has stated in nine consecutive lock-in reports that the observer does not sleep. This is no longer accurate. The observer slept from approximately 3:20 a.m. until 6:00 a.m. on the bottom bunk nearest the wall, on his side, facing the wall, and was not aware of the 3:00 round or of anyone returning from it, and woke with his tie tied and his glasses on and a red bandana he does not recall moving. The Rubric regrets the error. The Rubric does not regret the sleep. The Rubric will be correcting the phrase in future issues to "the observer does not intend to sleep," and would ask readers to hold him to it, because he is not confident he can hold himself.

The Weekly Rubric is printed on Mrs. Odom's copier, which runs hot, and folded by hand. Grades are final. Appeals may be submitted in writing and will be graded.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21