The Weekly Rubric

Vol. IV, No. 39

Thu, 24 Sep 2026 19:00:00 +0000

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 314. Other figures are 314's affair.

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

The Rubric is on the internet.

I did not put it there. Mrs. Odom's neighbor — subscriber number 314, who last week asked whether this newsletter was "about church" — has typed every issue since Volume I into her machine from the paper copies Mrs. Odom leaves on her porch. She showed me the result. It is the Rubric. Same masthead, same tables, same Correction. It can be read, she tells me, by anyone, and she has declined to tell me how many anyones, and I have declined to print a number I cannot verify. Circulation remains 314 until someone hands me a figure on paper.

I have set conditions. One: nothing appears on the machine that did not first appear on this page. The copier is the edition of record. Two: the Rubric prints no photographs, and so the machine's Rubric prints none either. Three: letters submitted through the machine are graded on punctuation exactly as letters submitted on napkins. She has agreed to all three. I have asked her, additionally, not to unfold the paper on the porch, because the porch is public and the crease is mine.

The address is theweeklyrubric.org. 314 chose the ending. I asked why. She said, "It's not a business." I did not disagree, which I would like recorded.

She has also opened an account on a service I will not describe, under a name that was to have been Clipboard — a young adult minister's idea of wit, adopted here under protest — and Clipboard was unavailable. Someone else on this earth is using it. She has added a number. I have asked her to find out who has the original. A column has been opened.

Finally, the Rubric's position, printed once and not again: I have been informed that images exist on the internet purporting to show me on the Circuit. The Rubric prints no photographs. The Rubric grades clergy. What 314 does with her machine is between her and her machine.

On to the grades. There are two Corrections this week, and I would ask readers to hold their letters until they have read both.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, Matthew 6:19–24

Category	Grade
Interpretation	A
Delivery	A-
Time Management	A
Posture	A+
Demeanor	B+
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: Third consecutive A- Overall. Readers will note that Demeanor has dropped a full letter and a half and will want to know why. I am going to tell them exactly, because I have never before had occasion to record what I am about to record.

Interpretation A. "No one can serve two masters." The Reverend preached it at the front row. I know a sermon preached at the front row from one preached at a congregation, having sat in the front row for four volumes, and this one was aimed. "You cannot serve God and money" arrived with the second noun replaced, in the Reverend's mouth, by a pause, and the pause was pointed at me.

Delivery A-. He looked up for the prayer. He has not stopped since he started.

Posture A+. The thirteenth. See Correction (1).

Now. During the offertory, while the plates were passing and the organ was under way, the Reverend stood at the pulpit with both hands on the wood and then lifted his right hand to his collar. I want to be exact. He did not loosen the tie. He has not loosened the tie since Vol. I, No. 3, and he did not loosen it Sunday. He tightened it. Two fingers on the knot, one pull upward, the dimple reset, his eyes on the front row for the whole of it, and then his hand back on the wood. There is a difference between loosening and tightening a knot that is already tight, and it is the difference between a man coming undone and a man making a point. I have recorded it under Demeanor because I do not have a column for a point made with a Windsor.

After service he came down. He did not sit. He stood in front of the pew and said, "You told the Lutheran to ask me." I said I had said he might. He said, "What would I tell him?" I did not answer. He said, "Four volumes." Then he went back up the aisle, and he did not offer to drive me to the bus, and I caught the 8:15. It is the second consecutive week I have caught it. There is no column for punctuality that costs something.

Demeanor B+. Not lower, because he did not raise his voice and his posture held. Not higher, because a man who tightens his tie at me during the offertory knows precisely what he is doing, and the Rubric has always graded knowing.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Sleeves rolled to the forearm during service. Eleventh consecutive issue. A fact.
(2) Oxblood necktie, Windsor, knotted throughout and — for the first time in the history of this column — tightened during service. Standing line, amended.
(3) The front-row pew was not tested. Second consecutive week. I record the absence as I would record an infraction: with attention, and from four feet away, which is where I sat until Mrs. Odom turned off the lights.

Trend: A- ×3. Demeanor A → B+. I grade what I see, and what I saw was two fingers on a knot.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Fr. Brennan — Homily & Reconciliation Audit (Thurs.)

Category	Grade
Doctrinal Soundness	A
Homily Brevity	B+
Confessional Demeanor	—
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: Nineteen minutes. B+. The Lord's Prayer, line by line; Father spent longest on "as we forgive those who trespass against us" and did not look at anyone while he said it, which I noted, because he usually does not need to.

The Thursday audit was scheduled for 3:30. I arrived at 3:34. I want that on the record because Father put it there first. I had stopped at 314's porch on the way to the bus to confirm that the paper had been left folded, and it had, and I was four minutes late to a confessional for the first time in five weeks. When I entered the booth Father was already on his side, and before I had knelt — before he had said "Child," before I had said anything — he said, "You're late."

That is the first time in five weeks that Father Brennan has spoken first. Time: 3:34. Words: two. I said, "The bus." He said, "No." He was right. I then described the porch, and the crease, and what travels in the crease, and the machine, and the name that was unavailable, and he listened to all of it with his hand flat on the lattice and said, "And what did you tell her." I said I had told her nothing that would embarrass the Reverend. He said, "Hm." That is his third.

The audit concluded at 5:52. Two hours and eighteen minutes. The fixtures on the penitent's side of a confessional consist of a kneeler, a ledge, a screen, and a curtain, and I have now assessed them on five consecutive Thursdays for a combined nine hours, and the Rubric will not be printing a running total again because a reader has done the arithmetic and written in.

The column remains blank. I have written You're late beneath Better and Hm, and it is a longer list than most columns have, and it still is not a letter.

Infractions Observed:

(1) The bolt. Ninth issue. The kneeler shifted a quarter-inch to the left when Father spoke first, and I have decided that was the bolt and not me, and the kneeler shifted again at intervals afterward, and I have decided the same about those.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class

Category	Grade
Doctrinal Soundness	A
Classroom Control	A+
Warmth Without Familiarity	B-
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: Held at B-. Sister asked, at the door, whether I had opened her letter. I said not yet. She said, "It's been a week." I said I do not open correspondence on a schedule set by the correspondent. She said, "Mrs. Odom tells me there are pictures." I said the Rubric prints no photographs. She said, "I didn't say the Rubric," and looked at me over her spectacles for a length of time I did not measure, and then said, "Six items. Open the letter, Clark. You'll want to see whether I counted right."

I have not opened it. It is in the other pocket. I have begun to suspect she did not count right and I do not know which way.

GRACE FELLOWSHIP COMMUNITY CHURCH

Brother Danny Cole — Young Adult Ministry, Wednesday Night

Category	Grade
Explanation	D
Snack Quality	B
Supervision	D-
OVERALL	D+

Remarks: Lesson: "Treasure in Heaven (No, Really)." Guitar: nine minutes. Matthew 6, the same text as the Reverend's, which is either the lectionary or the Lord, and I am beginning to think it is neither.

Snack B: a large jar of dill pickles and a roll of paper towels set beside it, unprompted. I had one. Brother Danny watched from the table with his elbows on his knees and said, before I had finished, "He read it, didn't he." I asked who. He said, "You know who. The tie guy. He read the Lutheran issue." I said the Reverend is on the mailing list. He said, "Yeah. I saw his face at the Kroger." I did not ask what it looked like.

I informed Brother Danny, because it seemed pertinent, that the name he calls me was unavailable when 314 attempted to register it. He said, "Huh. Imagine that," and picked up the guitar. I have recorded "Imagine that" in the column I opened on Sunday.

Supervision D-. Class dismissed at 8:30. Deadbolt at 8:41 — fourth time heard. I was standing at the door when it turned, as I have stood at the door on four consecutive Wednesdays, and I have stopped pretending that confirming the pattern is the reason I stand there. I left at 9:58. The folding table at the front of the room flexes under load and should be replaced; I have recommended this to Brother Danny and he has said the table is fine and that he likes it, and I have recorded that he likes it.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Jeans.
(2) Clipboard. Standing. Possibly held.
(3) I arrived home in slacks that required attention. The Rubric grades snacks, not the manner of their consumption. The pickle jar was left open. I took one for the bus.
(4) At the door he said, "Tell 314 the lighting's good." I said I did not know what he meant. He said, "Sure you don't." I have not told her. She knows.

MOUNT ZION PENTECOSTAL

Pastor Ezekiel Rawls — "Where Your Treasure Is"

Category	Grade
Interpretation	B-
Delivery	A
Time Management	F
Posture	C
OVERALL	C+

Remarks: Not asked to leave. Third time running. Three hours and five minutes; I stayed for all of it in slacks, the shorts having been retired for the season, and the folding chair and I have come to an understanding. At the door the deacon who uses my name said, "Pastor wants a word with you next week. About supper." I said the Rubric does not take supper. He said, "That's what I told him." Mount Zion now discusses me in advance. I have not decided whether that is progress.

ST. MARK'S EPISCOPAL

Fr. Whitcombe — Sunday Eucharist (Rite II)

Category	Grade
Liturgical Accuracy	A
Vestment Condition	A
Homily Brevity	A+
OVERALL	A

Remarks: Ten minutes. Green chasuble, unwrinkled. Nothing.

Custodial Note: The brass polish was on the bottom shelf when I arrived. Not the lowered top shelf — the bottom one, at knee height, set at the front edge where a person of five feet and two inches would see it first. Mr. Pruitt was not in the closet. He was in the doorway. He said, "Down here," and nothing else. Two words. I bent to retrieve the polish and completed my inspection from a position I have not previously inspected from, for longer than a tin of polish requires, and he did not leave the doorway, and when I straightened the shelf edge had left a line across both palms that was still there on the bus. The column remains blank. I am aware that a blank column is beginning to mean something different at St. Mark's than it means at St. Agnes and that I am going to have to decide what.

THE ROUTE 9 CHURCH BUS

The Driver — Round Trip, Harlan Crossing to St. Agnes

Category	Grade
Language & Conduct	B
Road Safety	B+
Rearview Mirror Discipline	D-
OVERALL	B-

Remarks: Outbound: a corndog from the Kroger, which I had reason to visit. Twenty-six minutes of fifty. Return: nothing but Wednesday's pickle. Thirty-one. The road was straight, the bus was empty, I was completing my notes on Father Brennan with a bandana at my throat I do not recall moving there, and the mirror did not leave me for a stretch I timed at eleven consecutive minutes. D- holds. I have considered an F and decided that an F implies the category could be failed, and I am no longer certain the Driver is attempting to pass it.

When I stood to get off he said, "Front row suits you." I said I always sit in the front row. He said, "I know." He has never, in three years, seen me in a front row, because he drives the bus. I did not ask how he knew.

NOTICE TO BETHEL LUTHERAN

See Correction (2). The lock-in is the Advent lock-in and it is thirteen weeks from the date of the last, which places it in the fifty-first week of the year. I will require the bottom bunk nearest the wall. Mrs. Krause confirms Mr. Lindqvist has "put in for the top" and adds that he "put in for it the morning after." I have noted the morning after. I have asked again about the nightlight and been told, again, no.

LETTERS

Mrs. Odom's neighbor writes, by the machine, the first letter so received: "Is the number all right?"

No. The number is not mine, the name is not mine, and I have never once required a suffix. It is, however, on the internet, and I am told it cannot be taken back, and so: noted. Punctuation A. You may continue.

Mr. Lindqvist writes, on the back of a Bethel Lutheran rounds sheet, in pencil: "Thirteen."

He counted before I did. Arithmetic A. Brevity A+. I have put the rounds sheet with the other one and I have two now.

Reverend Hale did not write this week. I record the absence of a letter as I record the absence of an infraction: with attention. He wrote last week. He wrote four words. I have them.

CORRECTIONS

(1) In Vol. IV, No. 37, I stated that I had awarded the A+ "exactly four times in four years." I had awarded it eleven times. It is now thirteen; twelve of them are Reverend Hale's posture and one is not. The Editor was distracted at the time of counting and has since identified the distraction. The Rubric regrets the error. I do not regret the distraction, and would ask readers not to write in about the phrasing, because I have already been written to about the phrasing by a nun.

(2) In Vol. IV, No. 38, I referred to the next Bethel Lutheran lock-in as "the summer lock-in" and placed it "twelve weeks" out. It is the Advent lock-in. It is thirteen weeks out. I was tired when I wrote the Notice, and readers who wish to know why are referred to the Correction in that same issue, which explains it, and which I stand by, and which I have been told by two clergymen and one seminarian I should not have printed, and which is on the internet now, and cannot be taken back.

The Weekly Rubric is printed on Mrs. Odom's copier, which runs hot, and folded by hand. It is left on a porch Fridays and typed into a machine by 314. It may be found on any literature table from which it has not yet been confiscated and at theweeklyrubric.org. Grades are final. Appeals may be submitted in writing and will be graded.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21

Vol. IV, No. 38

Thu, 17 Sep 2026 19:00:00 +0000

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 314 (Mrs. Odom's neighbor has subscribed and immediately written a letter)

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

The lock-in.

I have attended nine quarterly lock-ins at Bethel Lutheran as an observer. I have graded the facilities, the supervision, and the snack table nine times. I have never before graded a youth leader by name, because youth leaders are volunteers and the Rubric has, until this week, considered volunteers beneath assessment.

I have changed my mind. A man who occupies the same top bunk two quarters running, does his rounds on time, and asks the observer beneath him a direct question deserves a direct answer, and the Rubric's direct answers come with letters attached. He has one now. It is below.

For readers unfamiliar with the arrangement: the young people sleep in the gymnasium under Mrs. Krause and two chaperones. The volunteer leaders and the observer sleep in the fellowship hall, forty yards and two fire doors away, in steel bunks, so that they may be roused for rounds without waking the youth. This is the bylaws' arrangement, not mine. I mention it because Sister Marguerite has asked, and because I want it understood that everything in this issue's lock-in report occurred in a room containing exactly two adults and a snack table.

Also: I slept. See the Correction.

BETHEL LUTHERAN — QUARTERLY LOCK-IN

Youth Ministry Overnight — Observer's Report

Category	Grade
Supervision of Youth	A-
Facilities	B
Snack Table	C+
Lighting After Midnight	D
OVERALL	B

Remarks: Supervision of youth A-. Rounds at 11:00, 1:00, and 3:00, conducted by the volunteer leaders in rotation. All three rounds occurred within four minutes of schedule. I know this because I was awake for two of them and have been told about the third.

Facilities B. The bunks are steel and the mattresses are two inches thick. The bottom bunk nearest the wall — mine, as it has been for nine quarters — has a frame that does not creak, which I have previously credited to Lutheran engineering and which I tested this quarter under conditions considerably more demanding than previous quarters. It held. It did not creak once. B for the mattress; the frame alone would be an A.

Snack table C+. One pizza box, one bag of pretzels, one sleeve of the small powdered donuts that leave evidence. Emptied by 10:15. There was nothing left to eat after that, and I want that noted, because a man who is not eating must occupy himself somehow, and I had brought a pickle, and I had it in the back row of the Route 9 on the way over, and by midnight it was gone.

Lighting after midnight D. An exit sign and a single nightlight. I have said for nine quarters that this is insufficient for note-taking. I will say this quarter that it was insufficient for seeing — I had to rely on other senses — and that when one is on one's back on a two-inch mattress trying to read the face of a man on a ladder above, a nightlight is not enough.

Infractions Observed:

(1) The sleeping bag issued to the observer is a thin navy one and it was kicked to the foot of the bunk by 12:40. I do not know by whom. I have decided not to know.
(2) The snack table was used, after 1:00 a.m., as a surface for something other than snacks. A clipboard, specifically. I set it there because I needed both hands.
(3) The gymnasium door was checked and found locked from the inside at 11:00, 1:00, and 3:00. Good. I confirmed it myself at 1:04 in my socks.

BETHEL LUTHERAN — VOLUNTEER YOUTH LEADER

Mr. Gunnar Lindqvist — Top Bunk, Wall Side

Category	Grade
Rounds Punctuality	A
Bunk Discipline	A+
After-Hours Demeanor	A-
Volume	A
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: Mr. Lindqvist is twenty-six, a second-year seminarian at the synod college in the city, six feet and four inches by my estimate — I had occasion to estimate — with pale hair cut close, a jaw he does not shave on Fridays, forearms that suggest he has rowed something, and a manner of speaking that consists mainly of not speaking. He volunteers at Bethel one weekend a month and at every lock-in. He took the top bunk above the observer last quarter and asked whether I "was always like this." He took it again this quarter. He arrived at 8:10, ten minutes after the observer, put his duffel on the top bunk without asking whether it was claimed, and said, "Same as last time?" I said I did not know what he meant. He said, "Tie on, shoes off, no sleeping." I said that was the observer's practice. He said, "Figured," and climbed up, and the ladder is on the wall side, which means his boots were at the level of my face for the length of time it takes a tall man to climb three rungs, and I have recorded that it is longer than one would think.

Rounds punctuality A. Mr. Lindqvist took the 11:00 and the 3:00. He climbed down for the 11:00 at 10:58, in his socks, and stood at the foot of my bunk lacing his boots and looking at me while he did it, and said, "You want to come?" I said the observer observes from the bunk. He said, "Suit yourself," and went, and was back at 11:14, and climbed up, and the frame took his weight without a sound, and I lay there and listened to it not make a sound for some time.

Bunk discipline A+. I have not awarded an A+ outside of Reverend Hale's posture in four years and I am aware of what it means to do so. Here is why. At approximately 12:30 Mr. Lindqvist leaned over the rail of the top bunk — upside down, from my vantage — and said, "You're not writing." I said the light was insufficient. He said, "Then what are you doing down there?" I said I was observing. He said, "Observing what?" and I did not answer, and he said, "Move over," and I want to be very clear that a top bunk has a rail and a bottom bunk does not, and that a man who chooses to give up the rail is making a decision about discipline, and that the bottom bunk, nearest the wall, is thirty inches wide, and that it held two adults, one of them six-foot-four, for a period I did not time, without creaking, and that I have never in nine quarters been in a position to test the frame so thoroughly, and that Mr. Lindqvist's discipline — his stillness, when stillness was required, at 1:00, when the other leader's flashlight came through the fire door for rounds and passed over a bunk that appeared to contain one observer under a sleeping bag and one very flat seminarian against the wall — was total. He did not breathe. I do not think I did either. A+.

After-hours demeanor A-. Marked down from A for a single remark. At approximately 2:15, when the observer had removed his glasses for the first time in nine lock-ins and was in some difficulty locating them, Mr. Lindqvist found them on the floor by the ladder, cleaned them on the hem of his own shirt, and put them back on my face himself, and said, "There. Now you can observe." That is familiarity. That is hardly appropriate. I have marked it down and I would ask readers to note that I did not take them off again.

Volume A. He is a quiet man. He was quiet throughout. The one exception was a single word, at a moment I will not specify, spoken very low against the back of my neck, and it was "Clark," and it is the first time in nine lock-ins anyone at Bethel Lutheran has used my name, and I have recorded it under Volume because I do not have a column for what it was actually under, and I am not going to make one.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Mr. Lindqvist does not shave on Fridays. I have said this above. I am recording it again here as an infraction because I have the marks to prove it and they were still visible at breakfast.
(2) At 3:00 Mr. Lindqvist rose for rounds and I did not hear him go. I have said for nine quarters that the observer does not sleep. See the Correction.
(3) The observer's tie was found, at 6:00 a.m., to be tied. Windsor knot. Correctly dimpled. I did not tie it that way. I tie a four-in-hand. I have asked who tied it and been told, "You looked like you needed it done right." I have never been so disturbed by a correctly tied knot. I have also not untied it.
(4) The red bandana was found, at 6:00 a.m., around the observer's throat. I do not recall moving it from the backpack. I have stopped recalling where the bandana goes. I have started checking.

Trend: New to the Rubric. A- on first assessment. I would remind readers that Reverend Hale took four volumes to reach A-, and I would ask them not to write in about it, because I have already written it in the ledger, in red, with a question mark, and I am looking at the question mark now.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, Genesis 32:22–31

Category	Grade
Interpretation	A
Delivery	A-
Time Management	A
Posture	A+
Demeanor	A-
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: Second consecutive A-. Jacob wrestles the angel. "I will not let you go unless you bless me." The Reverend preached it well and I have nothing to correct.

Demeanor A- and not A for one reason. After service, in the empty sanctuary, the Reverend came down to the front pew and looked at my collar for a long moment and said, "That's not your knot." I said it was a Windsor. He said, "I know what it is. It's not yours." I said the Rubric does not discuss the Editor's neckwear. He said, "Bethel Lutheran," and it was not a question, and he sat down at the far end of the pew — four feet, back to four — and did not say anything else, and I completed my notes, and he did not offer to drive me to the bus, and I caught the 8:15 for the first time in three weeks.

I have not decided whether that is Demeanor. I have decided it is not nothing.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Sleeves rolled. Tenth issue. Standing.
(2) Oxblood necktie, Windsor, knotted throughout. Standing line. I did not examine it at close range this week. I want that recorded.
(3) The front-row pew was not tested.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Fr. Brennan — Homily & Reconciliation Audit (Thurs.)

Category	Grade
Doctrinal Soundness	A
Homily Brevity	B
Confessional Demeanor	—
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: Thursday, 3:30 to 5:50. Father said "Child." I lasted ninety seconds.

I described the lock-in. All of it, in more detail than printed above, because the confessional has a readership of one. When I finished, Father was silent for what I estimate was three minutes and then said, "Whose knot is that." I said a seminarian's. He said, "Lutheran." I said yes. He said, "Hm." That is his second Hm in three weeks. Then he said — and this is the first instruction Father Brennan has ever given me that was not "Go on" — he said, "Take it off." I said I was in a confessional. He said, "I know where you are." I took it off. He said, "Now do it your way." I tied a four-in-hand in the dark by feel with my hands shaking, and when I had done it he said, "Better," and absolved me, in Latin, and his hand was on the lattice the whole time, and I have written Better at the top of the Confessional Demeanor column beneath Hm, and it is still not a letter, but it is the closest it has come.

Infractions Observed:

(1) The bolt. Eighth issue. It is not going to be tightened. I have accepted this the way one accepts weather.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class

Category	Grade
Doctrinal Soundness	A
Classroom Control	A+
Warmth Without Familiarity	B-
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: Marked down a further step. Sister looked at my collar at the door, said "Four-in-hand," and then, "It was a Windsor on Sunday. Mrs. Odom said." I said Mrs. Odom should attend to the copier. Sister said, "She does. It runs hot." Then she handed me a folded slip of paper and said, "Fourth request. In writing this time. Father says he's seen inside it. I would like the same courtesy." I have not opened the slip. I have not declined it either. It is in the other pocket, with the ledger, and the two of them are not getting along.

GRACE FELLOWSHIP COMMUNITY CHURCH

Brother Danny Cole — Young Adult Ministry

Category	Grade
Curriculum	D
Snack Quality	B+
Supervision	D-
OVERALL	D+

Remarks: Corndogs, as promised. B+. The Rubric does not grade promises but it does grade kept ones, apparently, because I have given him half a step for it and I am not taking it back.

Brother Danny looked at my neck before I had sat down and said, "Somebody got you, Clipboard." I said I had been at a lock-in. He said, "Yeah, I can see that." Deadbolt after class. Third time. It is a pattern now and I have recorded it as one and I have stopped pretending I check the door for any reason other than to hear whether it turns.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Jeans.
(2) Clipboard.
(3) "Somebody got you." I have been on this Circuit four years and I have been graded, scolded, escorted, absolved, and had my tie retied without permission, and I have never once been got, and I have recorded the word so that I can decide what it means, and I already know.

MOUNT ZION PENTECOSTAL

Pastor Ezekiel Rawls — "The Wrestling"

Category	Grade
Delivery	A
Time Management	F
Posture	C
OVERALL	C+

Remarks: Not asked to leave. Second time. The Pastor preached Jacob and the angel the same week as Reverend Hale, which is either the lectionary or the Lord, and at the end he said from the pulpit, "Even the boy with the clipboard's wrestling something," and the congregation laughed, and I did not, and I gave him a C+ and stayed for the whole three hours to prove I could.

ST. MARK'S EPISCOPAL

Fr. Whitcombe — Sunday Eucharist

Category	Grade
Liturgical Accuracy	A
Vestment Condition	A
Homily Brevity	A+
OVERALL	A

Remarks: Ten minutes.

Custodial Note: Mr. Pruitt was in the closet when I arrived. He looked at my neck. He did not say anything. He reached past me to the top shelf — the lowered one — took down the brass polish, and set it in my hands, and said, "So you don't have to stretch." That is the first time in four years of auditing that closet that I have not had to stretch for anything, and I stood there holding the polish, and I did not know what to do, and he did, and I have given the closet an A and left the verger's column blank because I am running out of ways to grade tall men who fix things without being asked.

THE ROUTE 9 CHURCH BUS

The Driver — Round Trip, Harlan Crossing to Bethel Lutheran

Category	Grade
Language & Conduct	B
Road Safety	B+
Rearview Mirror Discipline	D-
OVERALL	B-

Remarks: Outbound, Friday evening: I ate the pickle. Twenty-four minutes of fifty. Return, Saturday morning: I did not eat anything. I sat in the back row in a Windsor knot I had not tied with a red bandana at my throat and marks on my jaw and I completed my notes, and the number was twenty-nine. Twenty-nine minutes of fifty. There was nothing to eat and nothing to watch and he watched anyway. D-. When I stood to get off he said, "Good night?" I said the observer does not discuss the lock-in. He said, "Didn't ask about the lock-in."

NOTICE TO BETHEL LUTHERAN

The summer lock-in is in twelve weeks. I will require the bottom bunk nearest the wall. I have been informed by Mrs. Krause that Mr. Lindqvist has "already put in for the top." I have said that is Mr. Lindqvist's affair. I have also asked whether the fellowship hall's nightlight might be upgraded, and been told no, and I have decided not to press.

LETTERS

Mrs. Odom's neighbor writes: "Is this newsletter about church?"

Yes.

Mr. Lindqvist writes, on the back of a Bethel Lutheran rounds sheet, in pencil: "A-? What's it take."

I have heard that question before, Mr. Lindqvist, from a man who has been asking it for four volumes. You may ask him. You may also note that he received his A- in a sanctuary and you received yours on a two-inch mattress, and that the Rubric has never before graded on a curve, and is not starting now, and that I have your rounds sheet and I am keeping it.

Reverend Hale writes, on First Baptist letterhead, one line: "Four-in-hand suits you."

Noted.

CORRECTION

The Rubric has stated in nine consecutive lock-in reports that the observer does not sleep. This is no longer accurate. The observer slept from approximately 3:20 a.m. until 6:00 a.m. on the bottom bunk nearest the wall, on his side, facing the wall, and was not aware of the 3:00 round or of anyone returning from it, and woke with his tie tied and his glasses on and a red bandana he does not recall moving. The Rubric regrets the error. The Rubric does not regret the sleep. The Rubric will be correcting the phrase in future issues to "the observer does not intend to sleep," and would ask readers to hold him to it, because he is not confident he can hold himself.

The Weekly Rubric is printed on Mrs. Odom's copier, which runs hot, and folded by hand. Grades are final. Appeals may be submitted in writing and will be graded.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21

Vol. IV, No. 37

Thu, 10 Sep 2026 19:00:00 +0000

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 312 (313 pending Mrs. Odom's neighbor)

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

Gracious, what a week.

I have been asked, again, to explain the methodology. I will not. The methodology has been printed in every issue since Volume I and is available on the back of any church literature table from which it has not yet been removed. The Rubric is not a matter of opinion. It is a matter of observation, and I observe a great deal.

I have also been asked, by a reader who did not sign his letter but whose penmanship I recognize, whether I "ever intend to lighten up." I should think not. Proverbs 27:17. Iron sharpens iron. If certain clergy find the sharpening uncomfortable, I would gently suggest that is rather the point.

On to the grades. I have five congregations, one bus, and a Correction this week, and I have been sitting on a very hard pew since Thursday, so I shall be brief.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, Romans 8:26–39

Category	Grade
Exegesis	A
Delivery	A-
Time Management	A
Posture	A+
Demeanor	A
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: The Reverend's treatment of "groanings too deep for words" was, I will say plainly, the finest I have heard on the Circuit. He did not rush it. He let the verse sit. He looked directly at the front row for the duration of the silence, which I found appropriate, and which I noted.

Time management was exemplary. The service concluded at 7:42. The Reverend remained in the sanctuary until considerably later attending to matters of pastoral care, which I am able to confirm because I was present in my capacity as auditor and stayed to assess the condition of the pews after the congregation had departed. The pews are in excellent condition. The front one is quite sturdy. I tested it thoroughly.

Posture: the Reverend stands with his feet planted wide, his shoulders back, and does not slouch even when exerting himself. A+. I do not give A+ lightly. I have given it exactly four times in four years and all four have been to Reverend Hale's posture.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Sleeves rolled to the forearm during service. This is a repeat infraction. It has been noted in nine consecutive issues. I am beginning to suspect the Reverend does it on purpose.
(2) The Reverend wore a burgundy necktie in a Windsor knot. This is not an infraction. I include it for the record. The knot was tight, correctly dimpled, and remained in place for the entire evening, including during exertion, which I consider a mark of real discipline and which I have noted in the ledger — the public ledger, I mean, the Rubric. This one.
(3) A red pen was found on the sanctuary carpet Monday morning by Mrs. Odom. It was mine. I have retrieved it. I mention this only so no one else is blamed.

Trend: C- (Vol. I, No. 3) → C (Vol. I, No. 11) → B- → B → B+ → A- (this issue). Readers who have written in asking whether the Reverend's steady improvement is "a bit much" are reminded that the Rubric grades what it sees. I see a great deal of Reverend Hale.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class & Reconciliation Audit

Category	Grade
Doctrinal Soundness	A
Classroom Control	A+
Warmth Without Familiarity	B
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: Sister Marguerite's classroom control is, frankly, unnerving. Sixteen confirmands, forty minutes, not one of them looked at a window. She achieved this without raising her voice, which I respect, and by looking at each of them over the top of her spectacles in a manner I recognize, because I do it too, and it is very effective.

Warmth Without Familiarity is marked down not because Sister was cold — she was not — but because at the conclusion of class she asked me, in front of the confirmands, whether I "intended to be in the confessional again this week and on which side." That is familiarity. That is hardly appropriate. I said I would be conducting my audit as scheduled. She said she would be conducting hers. I do not know what she meant by that and I have decided not to find out.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Sister Marguerite has requested, for the third time, to inspect the contents of my backpack "for the safety of the children." The children are sixteen and the backpack contains supplies. I have declined. Preparedness is a virtue. Curiosity, Sister, is in a different column.
(2) The confessional kneeler on the left-hand booth has a loose bolt. I discovered this during a lengthy audit of the sacrament. I recommend it be tightened. I recommend the padding also be replaced, as it is worn thin in the center and after forty-five minutes one begins to feel it.

GRACE FELLOWSHIP COMMUNITY CHURCH

Brother Danny Cole — Young Adult Ministry, Wednesday Night

Category	Grade
Curriculum	D
Snack Quality	C+
Supervision	D-
OVERALL	D

Remarks: The curriculum this week was titled "Jesus & Your Vibe." I will not be elaborating. Brother Danny played guitar for eleven of the forty minutes. The theological content of the remaining twenty-nine could have been printed on a lollipop wrapper, and I speak as an authority on lollipop wrappers.

Snack quality: pretzels and a two-liter. C+. Last week there were corndogs, which I graded B+, and about which Brother Danny made a remark I have chosen not to record.

Supervision: D-. At the conclusion of class Brother Danny dismissed the young adults and then remained in the classroom with the door closed and, I later discovered, locked, for a period during which he could not possibly have been supervising anyone except the auditor. I have noted this. I intend to return next Wednesday to note it again, as a single observation does not constitute a pattern and the Rubric requires rigor.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Skinny jeans in a teaching capacity. Ongoing.
(2) Brother Danny referred to me as "Clipboard." This is not my name. I told him so. He said "Okay, Clipboard." I have given him a D and he has thanked me for it, which I find genuinely disorienting, and I would ask readers to pray on it.

MOUNT ZION PENTECOSTAL

Pastor Ezekiel Rawls — Sunday Morning, "The Refiner's Fire"

Category	Grade
Exegesis	B-
Delivery	A
Time Management	F
Posture	C
OVERALL	C+

Remarks: Delivery was outstanding. Pastor Rawls does not so much preach as detonate. Time management: the service began at 10:00 and I departed at 1:15, not because it had ended but because the sanctuary was ninety-one degrees and I was wearing my summer dress shorts and had begun to adhere to the folding chair.

Posture is marked down for the Pastor's habit of leaping. Leaping is not posture.

Infractions Observed:

(1) I was asked to leave. Again. This is the sixth time. I remind Pastor Rawls that Hebrews 13:2 concerns hospitality to strangers and that I am hardly a stranger at this point.
(2) A deacon offered me a bulletin "for my lap." I accepted it. I always do. I have a Bible for that purpose but one does not refuse a kindness.

ST. MARK'S EPISCOPAL

Fr. Whitcombe — Sunday Eucharist (Rite II)

Category	Grade
Liturgical Accuracy	A
Vestment Condition	A
Homily Brevity	A+
OVERALL	A

Remarks: Eleven minutes. Bless him. Vestments immaculate. Nothing to report from the pulpit.

Custodial Note: In the course of my standard inspection I audited the sacristy broom closet and found it exceptionally well stocked and well organized, with the notable exception of the top shelf, which is too high for a person of average height to reach without standing on tiptoe and stretching considerably. I did so for some time. I was interrupted by the verger, who stood in the doorway for what I would estimate was a full minute before announcing himself, which I consider poor form, and whose expression I have noted, though not what it meant.

THE ROUTE 9 CHURCH BUS

The Driver — Round Trip, Harlan Crossing to Bethel Lutheran

Category	Grade
Language & Conduct	B
Road Safety	B+
Rearview Mirror Discipline	D
OVERALL	B

Remarks: I have added a category. A driver's eyes belong on the road. For a substantial portion of a fifty-minute trip during which I sat in the back row eating a dill pickle and completing my notes, the Driver's eyes were not on the road. I checked. Repeatedly. They were in the mirror. I do not know what he was monitoring — there was nothing behind us — but it was persistent enough to warrant a column, and so it has one.

Language and conduct remain a solid B, as they have for three years. The Driver said "goodness" once when I dropped my pickle, which I took as sympathy.

NOTICE TO BETHEL LUTHERAN

The lock-in is Friday. I will be attending as an observer, as I have every quarter, and I will require the bottom bunk nearest the wall, as I have every quarter. I have read the Bethel Lutheran youth ministry bylaws in their entirety — all fourteen pages — and I can confirm there is no age restriction on observers. I checked twice. I brought a copy. I will be bringing my own sleeping bag and my supplies and I do not anticipate sleeping.

LETTERS

A reader writes: "Do you ever grade yourself?"

I do. Daily. Privately. The results are not for publication.

Sister Marguerite writes: "I have a ledger too, young man. Mine is longer."

Noted, Sister. I'll be looking forward to comparing methodologies.

CORRECTION

In last week's issue (Vol. IV, No. 36) I stated that Reverend Hale's tie was "burgundy." Having examined it at closer range, I can now confirm it is oxblood. The Rubric regrets the error. The Rubric will be more careful. The Rubric intends to examine it again to be sure.

The Weekly Rubric is printed on Mrs. Odom's copier and folded by hand. It may be found on any literature table from which it has not yet been confiscated. Grades are final. Appeals may be submitted in writing and will be graded.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21

Vol. IV, No. 36

Thu, 03 Sep 2026 19:00:00 +0000

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 309

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

Two notices.

First: the Bethel Lutheran quarterly lock-in is next Friday. I will be attending as an observer, as I have every quarter for two years, and I will require the bottom bunk nearest the wall. Mrs. Krause has not raised the matter of an age limit this time, which I appreciate, and which I have chosen to interpret as the bylaws having finally been read by someone other than me.

Second: I have been asked — by a reader, by Mrs. Odom, and by the subject himself — whether Reverend Hale will "ever" leave the B+ range. I would remind everyone that the Rubric grades what it observes. I would also say that I have observed a great deal this week, and that the Reverend knows exactly what he did, and that readers should turn the page.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, Romans 7:15–25

Category	Grade
Exegesis	A
Delivery	A-
Time Management	A
Posture	A+
Demeanor	A-
OVERALL	B+

Remarks: Seventh consecutive B+. It is the last one. I am saying so in print because I have never before predicted a grade and I want it on record that I have.

Exegesis A. "For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing." The Reverend preached this without softening it and without looking away from the front row for the entirety of verse 19, and when he reached "Wretched man that I am!" he said it quietly, to one person, and I do not think anyone else in the sanctuary noticed who.

Delivery A-. Looked up for the prayer. Held it. Good. I am keeping this at A- only because he swallowed twice during "amen" and I have a rule about audible swallowing.

Posture A+. The tenth. After service, in the empty sanctuary, the Reverend came down from the pulpit and did not sit four feet away this time. He stood directly in front of the front pew where I was completing my notes — feet planted, shoulders back, forearms folded — and he stood there until I looked up, which took some time because I was determined to finish the sentence. When I looked up he said, "Romans 7." I said I had noted it. He said, "Every word of that was true." I said the Rubric does not grade sincerity. He said, "Then what does it grade?" And I did not have an answer, and I have never before not had an answer in that sanctuary, and I closed the clipboard.

Demeanor A-. I am raising it by a full letter and a half and I will explain exactly why, because the Rubric is transparent. The Reverend did not ask what grade he was getting. He did not ask what it would take. He asked whether I had a bus to catch. I said 8:15. He said, "It's 7:40." I said I was aware. He said, "Then you've got time to inspect the pews properly." I said I had been inspecting them for four years. He said, "Not properly." And then he took off his jacket, and rolled his sleeves to the forearm — which I have noted as an infraction in seven issues and which, at 7:41 on a Sunday evening in an empty sanctuary, I have decided not to note — and he did not loosen his tie.

He did not loosen his tie. I want that understood. Burgundy, Windsor knot, correctly dimpled. It was the one thing I checked, repeatedly, from a variety of angles and distances, over the following period during which the pews were inspected properly, and it did not move, and it is the most disciplined thing I have ever seen a man do, and it is why Demeanor is an A- and not lower, and it is why Overall is still a B+ and not higher, because I have a methodology and the methodology requires two consecutive A- Demeanor scores before Overall can move, and I wrote that rule in Volume I when I did not know it would ever matter.

I missed the 8:15 bus. I caught the 9:30. The Reverend drove me to the stop. His posture, seated, was an A+.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Sleeves rolled during service. Eighth issue. See above for why the ninth will not be counted the same way.
(2) The burgundy necktie remained knotted throughout service and throughout the inspection of the pews. Standing line. I have never been so certain of a standing line.
(3) The front-row pew is sturdy. It is extremely sturdy. I have now tested it under conditions I had not previously been able to arrange and it did not creak once.
(4) I have left something in the sanctuary. I do not yet know what. I will find out when Mrs. Odom does.

Trend: B+ ×7. Next week: I have said what I have said.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Fr. Brennan — Homily & Reconciliation Audit (Thurs.)

Category	Grade
Doctrinal Soundness	A
Homily Brevity	B
Confessional Demeanor	—
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: Thursday, 3:30 to 5:20. Father said "Child." I did not correct him this time. I have stopped correcting him.

I lasted four minutes before speaking. I described Sunday. All of it. The pew, the sleeves, the tie that did not move, the 9:30 bus. I described it in more detail than I have printed above, because the Rubric has a readership and the confessional does not, and when I finished Father was silent for so long that I said, "Father?" and he said, "I heard you." I said I supposed he had. He said, "You closed the clipboard." I said yes. He said, "First time?" I said yes. He said, "Hm."

That is the first time in five weeks Father Brennan has said anything to me that was not a question or an instruction to continue. Hm. I have been thinking about it since Thursday. I do not know whether it was approval or the other thing. I have written "Hm" at the top of the Confessional Demeanor column and I am looking at it and I still cannot turn it into a letter.

He absolved me. Latin. His hand was on the lattice before he started and it was still there when I left.

Infractions Observed:

(1) The bolt. Sixth issue. I have stopped expecting it to be tightened. I have started to think that is the point.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class

Category	Grade
Doctrinal Soundness	A
Classroom Control	A+
Warmth Without Familiarity	B
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: No request this week. Sister did not mention the backpack. She did not mention Thursdays. She taught the sacrament of confirmation for forty minutes with the door open "for air" and at the end of class she said, "Have a good weekend, Clark," and I said thank you, and then she said, "Give my regards to the Reverend," and I said I did not know what she meant, and she said, "Mrs. Odom and I play bridge."

I have added Mrs. Odom to the ledger. Not a low grade. Just a note.

GRACE FELLOWSHIP COMMUNITY CHURCH

Brother Danny Cole — Young Adult Ministry

Category	Grade
Curriculum	D
Snack Quality	C
Supervision	C-
OVERALL	D+

Remarks: Curriculum D: "God's Got You." Guitar: eight minutes, an improvement.

Snack C: chips. Bagged. Brother Danny apologized. He said, "Budget week, Clipboard. Corndogs next time, promise." I said the Rubric does not grade promises. He said, "I know. That's why I'm making one."

Supervision C-. Door closed. Not locked. I checked twice. I stood at the door with my hand on the deadbolt for longer than checking required and Brother Danny, from the table, said, "Not tonight. Got a thing." I said I had not asked. He said, "You're standing at the door, Clipboard." I was. I went back to my chair and completed my notes and he played guitar — quietly, not for the room, just playing — and I have graded that as Supervision because he was, in a sense, supervising me, and I have raised it half a step because I did not want to leave and that is not a Rubric category and I am not going to make it one.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Jeans.
(2) Clipboard.
(3) When I left, Brother Danny said, "Hey — good issue last week." He reads it. I did not know he read it. I have not decided which column that goes in and I am running out of columns.

MOUNT ZION PENTECOSTAL

Pastor Ezekiel Rawls — "Tongues of Flame"

Category	Grade
Delivery	A
Time Management	F
Posture	C
OVERALL	C+

Remarks: Not asked to leave. First time in eight visits. I sat through the entire service, all three hours and ten minutes of it, in dress shorts, and I was not escorted anywhere. At the end the Pastor came down the aisle, looked at the clipboard, looked at me, and said, "You just gonna keep coming back, ain't you." I said yes. He said, "Well, all right then," and shook my hand. Posture raised to C for the handshake. Time Management remains an F because three hours is three hours.

ST. MARK'S EPISCOPAL

Fr. Whitcombe — Sunday Eucharist

Category	Grade
Liturgical Accuracy	A
Vestment Condition	A
Homily Brevity	A+
OVERALL	A

Remarks: Eleven minutes. Fine.

Custodial Note: I let Mr. Pruitt know. I said the shelf could stay where it was. He said, "Thought so." He was not in the doorway this time. He was inside the closet, restocking, when I arrived, and he did not leave when I began my inspection, and the closet is not large, and I completed the inspection with less reaching than usual and more standing quite still. He said one thing: "You always this quiet?" I said no. He said, "Huh." That is the second huh I have received from a tall silent man this month and I am beginning to think it means something.

THE ROUTE 9 CHURCH BUS

The Driver — Round Trip, Harlan Crossing to St. Agnes

Category	Grade
Language & Conduct	B
Road Safety	B+
OVERALL	B

Remarks: Twenty-two minutes of fifty on the return. Nearly half. I did not eat anything. There was nothing to watch except me completing my notes in the back row, and the Driver watched it. When I stood to get off at St. Agnes he said — the first thing he has said to me in three years that was not "watch your step" — "You dropped something." I had not. I checked. He said, "Last week. Under the seat. Red." He handed me a lollipop, still wrapped, that I had lost the week before. He had kept it. In his shirt pocket. For a week.

The category is printed next week. I have decided. Its name is Rearview Mirror Discipline and I already know the grade.

NOTICE TO BETHEL LUTHERAN

Lock-in: Friday. Bottom bunk, wall side. I will be bringing my sleeping bag, my clipboard, my Bible, and my supplies. I will not be sleeping. I never do. The youth leader who occupied the top bunk last quarter and asked whether I "was always like this" is welcome to occupy it again. I have his answer ready.

LETTERS

A reader writes: "Seven B+ in a row. Are you afraid to give him the A?"

No. I am afraid of what I will have to write in the Remarks when I do. Next week you may judge for yourself.

Mrs. Odom writes: "Honey, I found something in the sanctuary Monday morning. I'll hold onto it."

Thank you, Mrs. Odom. I know what it is now. I would be grateful if it stayed between us and did not come up at bridge.

Sister Marguerite writes: "Bridge is Tuesdays."

Noted.

CORRECTION

In Vol. IV, No. 35, I described the Reverend's necktie as "burgundy." Having now examined it under a number of lighting conditions and from a range of distances, I am confident that burgundy is correct, and I am printing this confirmation so that readers understand the Rubric checks its work. The tie is burgundy. I am certain. I have never been more certain of a color.

The Weekly Rubric is printed on Mrs. Odom's copier and folded by hand. Grades are final. Appeals may be submitted in writing and will be graded.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21

Vol. IV, No. 35

Thu, 27 Aug 2026 19:00:00 +0000

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 306

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

A short note on methodology, because I have been asked — by Sister Marguerite, in writing, on parish letterhead — whether the Rubric has "a private grading system that does not appear in print."

The Rubric has a methodology. It is on the back page. Anything else the Editor may write is the Editor's business, kept in the Editor's breast pocket, and not the subject of a newsletter about clergy performance. I trust that settles it.

It will not settle it.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, Song of Solomon 2

Category	Grade
Exegesis	A
Delivery	A-
Time Management	A
Posture	A+
Demeanor	B+
OVERALL	B+

Remarks: Sixth consecutive B+, but the categories have moved and readers should note which.

Exegesis A. The Reverend preached Song of Solomon to a Baptist congregation without once apologizing for it. "I am a rose of Sharon" — delivered plainly, no coughing, no "of course this is about the Church." Brave. Correct.

Delivery A-. He looked up during the closing prayer. Finally. He looked up and he looked at the front row and he kept looking, through "amen," through the organ, until the congregation was standing and I was the only person still seated. I have raised Delivery. I have not raised Overall, because Demeanor is not there yet, and I will explain.

Demeanor B+. After service, the empty sanctuary. The Reverend did not ask what grade he was getting. For the first time in eleven weeks he did not ask. He came down to the front pew, sat on it — next to me, at the far end, a full four feet away — and said, "Song of Solomon's about what it's about." I said yes. He said, "I preached it for the front row." I said the front row had noted it. He said, "Good." Then he sat there, in his posture, for a long time, and I completed my notes, and neither of us said anything, and I have decided that was Demeanor and it was very nearly an A- and it was not quite, because at the end of it he stood up and said, "You've got mustard on your tie," and I did, and he was smiling, and I have never once seen him smile at a footnote.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Sleeves rolled. Seventh issue. I am no longer recording this as an infraction so much as a fact.
(2) Necktie knotted throughout. Standing line. I confirmed it from four feet away and then from closer, because the light was poor.
(3) Mustard on the Editor's tie. Noted so that no one else is blamed.

Trend: B+ ×6. Delivery A-. Watch this space.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Fr. Brennan — Homily & Reconciliation Audit (Thurs.)

Category	Grade
Doctrinal Soundness	A
Homily Brevity	B
Confessional Demeanor	—
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: Thursday, 3:30 to 5:40. Two hours and ten minutes. I want to be plain that the length of an audit reflects the thoroughness of the fixtures, not the fixtures themselves.

Father said "Child" and then nothing. I lasted nine minutes this time before beginning to describe things. I have been practicing. It did not help.

I described the Reverend's pew. I described the broom closet at St. Mark's and the verger who stands in doorways. I described Brother Danny's deadbolt, which I had not intended to describe to anyone, and Father said "And what did you do then," and I told him, and there was a very long silence, and then the lattice screen creaked slightly — the way wood does when weight leans on it — and Father said, very close, "Go on."

The column remains blank. I would like readers to understand that I have graded every clergyman on this Circuit into a letter, including men who threw me out of their buildings, and that I cannot assign a letter to a man who has never once told me to do anything and whom I have obeyed every Thursday for a month.

Infractions Observed:

(1) The bolt. Fifth issue. The kneeler now shifts a quarter-inch to the left under load. I have measured this. I did not need a ruler.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class

Category	Grade
Doctrinal Soundness	A
Classroom Control	A+
Warmth Without Familiarity	B
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: See Editor's Desk. Sister's letter is answered there. She read my answer over my shoulder while I drafted it in the parish hall and said, "Breast pocket," and walked away. I have moved the ledger to the other breast pocket.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Sister has begun leaving the door of the confirmation classroom open on Thursdays "for air." The classroom faces the confessionals.

GRACE FELLOWSHIP COMMUNITY CHURCH

Brother Danny Cole — Young Adult Ministry, Wednesday Night

Category	Grade
Curriculum	D-
Snack Quality	B+
Supervision	D-
OVERALL	D

Remarks: Curriculum D-: "Let Go & Let God (Literally)." Guitar for twelve of forty minutes. When I raised my hand to ask what "literally" meant in this context, Brother Danny said, "You'll see, Clipboard."

Snack B+: corndogs. Hot, on wooden sticks, mustard in a squeeze bottle. I had two. He set the mustard in front of me and said nothing, and I have noted that when Brother Danny is quiet it is because he is watching something, and what he was watching was me and the corndog from a distance of approximately three feet, with his elbows on his knees and an expression I have decided to call attentive. He did not blink for the length of the second one. I know because I was checking whether he would.

Supervision D-. Class dismissed. Door closed. Deadbolt turned — second time. I now have two observations, which is the minimum for a pattern, and I have therefore recorded it as one: on Wednesday nights after the young adults leave, Brother Danny locks the classroom with the auditor inside it and then does not supervise anyone at all. I have not recorded the remainder because the Rubric grades clergy performance and I am not clergy.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Jeans.
(2) Clipboard.
(3) At the end of the evening Brother Danny handed me a napkin, unprompted, and said, "Mustard." I did have mustard. I do not know how he knew before I did.

MOUNT ZION PENTECOSTAL

Pastor Ezekiel Rawls — "Baptized in Fire"

Category	Grade
Delivery	A
Time Management	F
Posture	C-
OVERALL	C

Remarks: Asked to leave. Fifth time. The deacon who escorted me out said, "See you next month, Clark," which is the first time anyone at Mount Zion has used my name, and I have decided it counts toward Demeanor even though I was in the parking lot when he said it.

ST. MARK'S EPISCOPAL

Fr. Whitcombe — Sunday Eucharist

Category	Grade
Liturgical Accuracy	A
Vestment Condition	A
Homily Brevity	A+
OVERALL	A

Remarks: Nine minutes. A record. Bless him.

Custodial Note: The top shelf of the sacristy broom closet has been lowered. Two inches. I noticed at once, because I reached for the brass polish and my heel did not leave the floor. I stood there for a moment not knowing what to do with my arm.

Mr. Pruitt was in the doorway. He said, "Fixed it." I said I had not asked him to. He said, "No." I said the shelf had been fine. He said, "You said it was too high." I said that had been an observation, not a request, and the Rubric does not make requests. He said, "Want me to put it back?" I said — and I have thought about this since — "I'll let you know." He nodded and left. I have not let him know.

THE ROUTE 9 CHURCH BUS

The Driver — Round Trip

Category	Grade
Language & Conduct	B
Road Safety	B+
OVERALL	B

Remarks: Outbound: fourteen minutes of fifty. Return: nineteen. I ate a pickle on the return and the number went up during the pickle and I have stopped pretending I do not know what is being monitored. The category has a name. I have written it at the top of a fresh grading sheet. I have not printed it. Next week, perhaps. Or the week after.

LETTERS

Sister Marguerite writes, on parish letterhead: "Answer the question."

I have, Sister. See the Editor's Desk. See also the other pocket.

Brother Danny Cole writes, on a corndog wrapper: "2 in a row. New record Clipboard."

I have graded the wrapper. Grease F. Arithmetic A. It was two. He is right.

CORRECTION

In Vol. IV, No. 34, I described Mr. Pruitt as "rarely speaking." He has now spoken twice in two weeks and lowered a shelf. The Rubric regrets the error and does not know what to do about it.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21

Vol. IV, No. 34

Thu, 20 Aug 2026 19:00:00 +0000

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 302

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

The Rubric has a new subscriber: the verger of St. Mark's Episcopal, Mr. Pruitt, who has been removing the newsletter from the literature table and who, when confronted, said he had been "taking it home to read." I have added him to the mailing list so that he may stop stealing. He did not thank me. He did not say anything. He rarely does.

Also, Bethel Lutheran has confirmed the spring lock-in date. Same bunk.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, James 1:2–12

Category	Grade
Exegesis	A-
Delivery	B+
Time Management	A
Posture	A+
Demeanor	B
OVERALL	B+

Remarks: Fifth consecutive B+.

"Count it all joy when you meet trials of various kinds." The Reverend delivered this looking directly at the front row, and held the look longer than the verse required, and I have decided that this is Delivery and not Demeanor and have graded it accordingly. He did not, however, look up during the closing prayer. B+. I am not moving it until he does.

Posture A+. The eighth. After service the Reverend came down to the front pew where I was completing my notes and stood over me with his arms folded and his feet planted and said nothing for a full minute, which is a very long time, and his posture did not waver once. I have never seen a man stand that still. I stopped writing. I have recorded that I stopped writing.

Demeanor B. He asked what it would take. I said I could not discuss it in the sanctuary. He said, "The sanctuary's empty." I said it was still a sanctuary. He said, "Broom closet, then." I said that was hardly appropriate. He said, "Mrs. Odom says you inspect it every week." I said that was for the Rubric. He said, "Everything's for the Rubric." I did not have an answer for that and I have written it down so that I can find one.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Sleeves. Sixth issue.
(2) Necktie knotted throughout. Standing.
(3) The Reverend has begun to smell faintly of cedar. This is not an infraction. I do not know why I have recorded it.

Trend: B+ ×5.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Fr. Brennan — Homily & Reconciliation Audit (Sat. & Thurs.)

Category	Grade
Doctrinal Soundness	A
Homily Brevity	B-
Confessional Demeanor	—
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: Twenty-six minutes. B-.

The Thursday audit was conducted from 3:30 to 5:15. Father entered his side at 3:31. He said, "Child." I said I was eighteen. He said, "I know." Then nothing for what I estimate was twenty minutes, during which I heard his rosary — one bead at a time, very slow — and eventually I began to describe the state of the fixtures aloud because someone had to say something, and I found that once I had begun describing things I had some difficulty stopping, and I described a number of things that were not fixtures.

He listened to all of it. He said, "And what did you do then." I told him. He said, "Go on." I did.

At 5:10 he absolved me. In Latin. I did not ask him to. I have not decided whether that is a Demeanor issue. The column remains blank because I do not have a letter for a man who can make me confess to a broom closet without asking a single question.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Kneeler bolt. Fourth issue. The padding is now visibly compressed in the center. I am in a position to know.
(2) At the conclusion of the Thursday audit, as I was leaving the booth, Father's hand was resting flat against the lattice screen at the height of my face. I do not know how long it had been there. It is not an infraction. I have recorded where it was.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class

Category	Grade
Doctrinal Soundness	A
Classroom Control	A+
Warmth Without Familiarity	B
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: Warmth Without Familiarity marked down a step. At the close of class Sister said, in front of the confirmands, "Thursday again?" I said yes. She said, "Long one." I said the sacrament takes the time it takes. She said, "Does it." I have asked her, in this column, to refrain from using Father's silences on me. It is one thing from a confessor. From a schoolteacher it is hardly appropriate.

She then made her second formal request to inspect my backpack. I declined. She said, "That's twice." I said I was counting too.

GRACE FELLOWSHIP COMMUNITY CHURCH

Brother Danny Cole — Young Adult Ministry

Category	Grade
Curriculum	D
Snack Quality	B
Supervision	D
OVERALL	D

Remarks: Lesson: "Jesus Was Chill." I have nothing to add.

Snack: a large jar of whole dill pickles, which Brother Danny set on the table directly in front of my chair and said, "Saw you eat one on the bus. Figured." I do not know when he saw me on the bus. I had one. I had another. He watched both, from the folding table, with his knees apart and his guitar across his lap, and did not say anything, which from him is unusual enough that I have marked Supervision down a full letter for the attention it took away from the room. D.

After class: door closed. Then — for the first time — the deadbolt. I heard it turn. I have recorded the sound. I have not recorded what came after because I have not yet decided which column it belongs in, and a single observation does not constitute a pattern.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Jeans.
(2) Clipboard.
(3) Brother Danny referred to my grading sheet as "the scorecard" and asked if he could "see how he's doing." I showed him the D. He said, "Ouch. Same time next week?" Yes.

ST. MARK'S EPISCOPAL

Fr. Whitcombe — Sunday Eucharist

Category	Grade
Liturgical Accuracy	A
Vestment Condition	A
Homily Brevity	A+
OVERALL	A

Remarks: Ten minutes. Perfect.

Custodial Note: Sacristy broom closet audited. Top shelf still too high. Mr. Pruitt appeared in the doorway while I was on tiptoe, mid-reach, and this time — for the first time in two years — spoke. He said, "Need a hand?" I said no. He said, "Didn't think so." He stayed. I finished reaching. I have added him to the mailing list.

THE ROUTE 9 CHURCH BUS

The Driver — Round Trip

Category	Grade
Language & Conduct	B
Road Safety	B+
OVERALL	B

Remarks: I timed the mirror. Outbound: eleven minutes of fifty. Return: sixteen. The road was straight and empty both ways. I am now very nearly certain I need a category. I have drafted a name for it. I have not printed it because printing it makes it real.

LETTERS

Mr. Pruitt (St. Mark's) writes, on the back of a Rubric he took from the table: "Shelf's not that high."

It is for me, Mr. Pruitt.

CORRECTION

None.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21

Vol. IV, No. 33

Thu, 13 Aug 2026 19:00:00 +0000

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 298

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

I have been asked whether a B+ is "as high as it goes."

It is not. The scale runs to A+, as printed on the back page every week since Volume I. A B+ is earned, recorded, and not a ceiling. If a subject wishes to leave the B+ range, the subject knows what is required, because I have told him, in writing, in this column, for four consecutive issues.

Also: someone has been removing the Rubric from the St. Mark's literature table before the congregation arrives. I know who. I have his grade.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, Psalm 51

Category	Grade
Exegesis	A-
Delivery	B+
Time Management	A
Posture	A+
Demeanor	B
OVERALL	B+

Remarks: Fourth consecutive B+. This is not a plateau of the Editor's making.

Exegesis was very nearly excellent. The pause after "renew a right spirit within me" ran a full six seconds, during which he looked at the front row and I looked at my clipboard, because that is where an auditor looks. A-.

Delivery held at B+ because the Reverend still reads the closing prayer from the page. He knows it. Look up.

Posture A+. The seventh A+ I have awarded and the seventh to this category. After the sanctuary empties he stands exactly the same way at the front pew while attending to pastoral matters, and a man who holds his posture when no one is watching has genuinely got it. I would like it on record that I was watching.

Demeanor B: the Reverend asked what grade he was getting. I said Thursday. He said, "You've had me at B+ for a month." I said I was aware. He said, "What's it going to take?" I said that was not a question the Rubric answers in the sanctuary. He said, "Where does it answer it?" I did not have a column for that.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Sleeves rolled to the forearm during service. Fifth consecutive issue. I have stopped believing this is accidental.
(2) Burgundy necktie, Windsor knot, remained knotted throughout service and throughout the period afterward during which I remained to assess the pews. Has not loosened since Vol. I, No. 3. Standing line.
(3) The front-row pew remains entirely sturdy. I tested it for some time.

Trend: B+ → B+ → B+ → B+. Readers may draw their own conclusions. I have drawn mine and written them somewhere else.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Fr. Brennan — Sunday Homily & Reconciliation Audit

Category	Grade
Doctrinal Soundness	A
Homily Brevity	B
Confessional Demeanor	—
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: I have created a column for Father Brennan. It is called Confessional Demeanor and it is, this week, blank. Not a zero. Not an incomplete. Blank. I have not decided what letter it is, and the Rubric does not guess.

The homily ran twenty-three minutes. B. Doctrine faultless.

The audit of the sacrament was conducted Saturday from 3:40 to 4:50. I entered the left-hand booth to assess the fixtures. Father entered his side at 3:41. He did not speak. I assessed the kneeler (bolt still loose), the ledge, the acoustics. He still did not speak. At 4:05 I said I was conducting an audit. He said, "Go on." I said that was all. He said, "Is it." I do not know how long the silence after that lasted because I stopped checking my watch, and I have decided that the Rubric requires further observation before a letter can be assigned. I will return Thursday. There is nothing on the parish calendar Thursday, which is convenient for scheduling.

Infractions Observed:

(1) The kneeler bolt. Third consecutive issue. Father is aware. He has not tightened it.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class

Category	Grade
Doctrinal Soundness	A
Classroom Control	A+
Warmth Without Familiarity	B+
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: Sister asked, at the close of class, whether I was "seeing Father Thursdays now." I said I was auditing the sacrament on a supplementary schedule. She said, "Supplementary." I said yes. She said nothing else, which is a technique I recognize because Father uses it too, and I would ask the two of them to stop.

Infractions Observed:

(1) None from Sister. One from me, which she has written down. She showed me the page. It was not the first page.

GRACE FELLOWSHIP COMMUNITY CHURCH

Brother Danny Cole — Young Adult Ministry, Wednesday Night

Category	Grade
Curriculum	D
Snack Quality	B-
Supervision	C-
OVERALL	D+

Remarks: Lesson: "Grace Is a Vibe." Guitar: ten minutes. Scripture: one verse, paraphrased.

Snack: soft pretzels. B-. Brother Danny handed me mine and said, "No stick this week, Clipboard, sorry." I said I had not asked about sticks. He said, "You looked disappointed." I was not. I have recorded that I was not.

Supervision C-. Door closed after class. Not locked. I checked. I always check.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Jeans. Standing.
(2) The nickname. Standing. I have given up expecting it to stop and have moved it to a permanent footnote.

MOUNT ZION PENTECOSTAL

Pastor Ezekiel Rawls — "Consuming Fire"

Category	Grade
Delivery	A
Time Management	F
Posture	C-
OVERALL	C

Remarks: Asked to leave. Fourth time. A deacon handed me a bulletin on the way out without my asking. I have begun to suspect they keep one ready.

LETTERS

A reader writes: "You've had Hale at B+ for a month."

Yes. I have addressed this above and in the sanctuary. He asked me the same thing. You may compare notes.

CORRECTION

None.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21

Vol. III, No. 22

Thu, 29 May 2025 19:00:00 +0000

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 204 (Mrs. Odom reports the copier "runs hot now")

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

Two announcements.

First: the Circuit has expanded. Grace Fellowship Community Church, the warehouse on the bypass with the coffee bar and the fog, has a young adult ministry that has never once been assessed. I have corrected this. The results are below and they are not good.

Second: I have attended my first lock-in. It took two years and fourteen pages of bylaws, but I have attended, and I have observed, and I will be attending every quarter from now on. Mrs. Krause has stopped looking for the age limit. There isn't one. I told her that in Volume I.

Also, a reader has asked whether the Rubric "grades First Baptist an awful lot." The Rubric grades what is on the Circuit. First Baptist is on the Circuit. Its Reverend continues to improve, and improvement requires monitoring. I do not see the difficulty.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, 1 Corinthians 13

Category	Grade
Exegesis	B+
Delivery	B
Time Management	A
Posture	A+
Demeanor	B-
OVERALL	B

Remarks: The Reverend has learned to use a clock. Service concluded at 7:29. One minute early. I looked up from the clipboard when the benediction began and he was already looking at the front row, as though to confirm I had noticed. I had. A.

Delivery is improving. He paused twice. He looked up from his notes for the whole of verse 4 — "love is patient, love is kind" — and delivered it directly toward the front pew, where I was the only one seated. I assume this was practice. I have marked it B and noted the eye contact separately.

Posture: A+. I have now given A+ three times and all three have gone to this category and this man. The Reverend does not slouch. When he grips the pulpit his forearms brace and his shoulders set, and when the sanctuary empties and he comes down to attend to pastoral matters he stands exactly the same way. It is a discipline. I have said so before. I will say so again.

Demeanor: B-. After service the Reverend asked me — for the eleventh consecutive week — what grade I was giving him. I told him he would read it Thursday like everyone else. He said, "You could just tell me." I said the Rubric does not preview. He said, "You're a hard one." I said I should hope so, and I would ask readers not to write in about the phrasing, as I have already been written to about it.

Infractions Observed:

(1) The Reverend's necktie — burgundy, Windsor knot, correctly dimpled — remained knotted for the entire service and for the considerable period afterward during which I remained in the sanctuary assessing the pews. It did not loosen. It has not loosened once since Vol. I, No. 3. I have decided this is worth a standing line in the Infractions column despite not being an infraction, because consistency should be recorded, and because I have been watching for it, closely, and I want that on the record too.
(2) The Reverend wore his suit jacket throughout the service. This is correct. I note that he removed it afterward, in the empty sanctuary, and rolled his shirtsleeves to the forearm while attending to pastoral matters, and I have decided that since service had concluded this is not an infraction. If it happens during service it will be.
(3) The front-row pew's seat no longer has any give in it. I do not know whether it was repaired or whether it has simply been broken in. I have tested it extensively and it is now entirely sturdy.

Trend: C- → C → B- → B (this issue). Steady. I have no reason to believe it will stop.

GRACE FELLOWSHIP COMMUNITY CHURCH — NEW TO THE CIRCUIT

Brother Danny Cole — Young Adult Ministry, Wednesday Night

Category	Grade
Curriculum	D+
Snack Quality	B+
Supervision	C
OVERALL	D+

Remarks: I arrived at 6:50 in a vest and tie. Brother Danny arrived at 7:04 in jeans that I can only describe as upholstered onto him and a shirt with a slogan. He was carrying a guitar. He looked at me, looked at the clipboard, and said, "Oh, you're the guy." I said I was the Editor. He said, "Right on, Clipboard."

I have been called many things on the Circuit. I have not before been called a piece of office equipment. I told him my name. He said, "Cool. Clipboard." I have given him a D+ and I want to be clear that this was earned on the merits and not because of the nickname, though it did not help.

Curriculum: the lesson was titled "God's Not Mad at You." Scripture was cited once, from memory, incorrectly. Brother Danny played guitar for nine minutes.

Snack quality: corndogs. Hot, on sticks, with mustard. B+. I do not give snack grades above B lightly. I had two. Brother Danny watched me eat the second one for what I would estimate was its full length and then said, "You want a napkin, Clipboard?" I did. I took it. I have recorded the exchange because I record everything, not because it meant anything.

Supervision: C. Class dismissed on time. Brother Danny then asked whether I "needed anything else for the report" and, when I said I would need to inspect the room, closed the door. He did not lock it. I have noted that he did not lock it. I will be returning to assess whether the classroom is typically unlocked after hours, as a single observation does not establish a pattern.

Infractions Observed:

(1) Jeans.
(2) The nickname. Ongoing. I have decided to treat it as a Demeanor issue and I will be revisiting it weekly until it stops.
(3) Brother Danny is the first clergyman on the Circuit who has not asked me what grade he is receiving. When I told him it was a D+ he said, "Nice. See you next week, Clipboard." I do not know what to do with that. I have never not known what to do with a grade before.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class & Reconciliation Audit

Category	Grade
Doctrinal Soundness	A
Classroom Control	A+
Warmth Without Familiarity	B+
OVERALL	A-

Remarks: Sister Marguerite remains the finest classroom manager on the Circuit and I would say so even if she weren't standing behind me as I write this, which she is, because I am completing my notes in the parish hall and she has not left.

Warmth Without Familiarity is marked down one step. At the close of class, Sister approached me at the door and asked — quietly, so the confirmands could not hear, which I credit — whether she might "have a look in that bag." I asked why. She said, "For the safety of the children." I said the children were fifteen and the bag contained supplies. She said, "What sort?" I said, "The prepared sort." She looked at me over her spectacles for a length of time I did not measure because I was looking at my shoes.

She did not press. She said, "Another time, then." I have recorded it as a request declined. I have also recorded that it is the first time anyone on the Circuit has asked, and I did not enjoy it, and I have started keeping my ledger in my breast pocket rather than in the bag.

Infractions Observed:

(1) The left-hand confessional kneeler is showing wear in the center of the padding. This is the second time I have noted it. I am in a position to notice.

ST. MARK'S EPISCOPAL

Fr. Whitcombe — Sunday Eucharist (Rite II)

Category	Grade
Liturgical Accuracy	A
Vestment Condition	A-
Homily Brevity	A
OVERALL	A

Remarks: Thirteen minutes. Chasuble slightly creased at the hem. Otherwise nothing.

Custodial Note: The sacristy broom closet is the best-organized on the Circuit and I intend to make a habit of it. On this visit I noted that the top shelf holds the brass polish and is quite high, and that the verger — a tall, silent man named Mr. Pruitt — has a habit of appearing in doorways without announcing himself. He did so while I was mid-reach. He did not say anything. He did not leave, either. I have not decided which column that goes in.

MOUNT ZION PENTECOSTAL

Pastor Ezekiel Rawls — "Fire from Heaven"

Category	Grade
Exegesis	B-
Delivery	A
Time Management	F
Posture	C-
OVERALL	C

Remarks: Asked to leave. Third time. The deacons and I are on first-name terms now. One of them handed me a bulletin on my way out and said "for your lap, son," which I took as a peace offering and used as directed.

BETHEL LUTHERAN — QUARTERLY LOCK-IN

Youth Ministry Overnight — Observer's Report

Category	Grade
Supervision	B
Facilities	B-
Snack Table	C
OVERALL	B-

Remarks: I attended. I want that recorded first.

I arrived at 8:00 p.m. in slacks, shirt, tie, and vest, with my sleeping bag and my supplies, and I claimed the bottom bunk nearest the wall, as it offers the best sightline to the door and the fewest sightlines to me. Mrs. Krause asked whether I intended to sleep in my tie. I said I intended to observe, and one does not observe in pajamas.

Facilities: the bunks are steel and the mattresses are thin. B-. The fellowship hall was lit by an exit sign and a single nightlight after midnight, which is insufficient for note-taking and I have said so.

Supervision: B. The youth leaders did rounds at eleven and at one. Between rounds the hall was unsupervised except by me. I did not sleep. I lay on my side facing the aisle with my clipboard under the mattress and my glasses on and I observed that the room was very quiet and that the top bunk above me was occupied by a youth leader who also did not appear to sleep, and who at one point leaned over the rail and asked whether I "was always like this." I said yes. He said, "Huh," and lay back down. I have noted the exchange.

Snack table: one pizza box, emptied by 9:30. C.

I will be attending in the spring. Same bunk.

THE ROUTE 9 CHURCH BUS

The Driver — Round Trip, Harlan Crossing to Bethel Lutheran

Category	Grade
Language & Conduct	B
Road Safety	B+
OVERALL	B

Remarks: I ate a dill pickle in the back row on the outbound leg and completed my notes for the lock-in on the return. The Driver's eyes were in the mirror for a portion of both legs that I have begun, informally, to time. I am considering a category. I have not created it yet because I am not certain what I would be grading.

LETTERS

A reader writes, unsigned: "You grade First Baptist every single week."

Yes.

Brother Danny Cole writes, on a Grace Fellowship napkin: "Good issue Clipboard. See you Wed."

I have graded the napkin. Handwriting C. Punctuation F. I will be there.

Mrs. Odom writes: "The Reverend asked me if I knew what time your bus leaves. I told him I didn't. I do. Should I have?"

No, Mrs. Odom. Thank you. Although — you may tell him it is 8:15, if he asks again. For his time management.

CORRECTION

In Vol. III, No. 21, I described Reverend Hale's necktie as "red." It is not red. It is burgundy. I was seated in the front row at the time and should have seen the difference, and I have been closer to it since and can confirm. The Rubric regrets the error. The Rubric will be more careful about color going forward.

The Weekly Rubric is printed on Mrs. Odom's copier, which runs hot, and folded by hand. Grades are final. Appeals may be submitted in writing and will be graded.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21

Vol. I, No. 3

Thu, 19 Jan 2023 19:00:00 +0000

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 41 (Mrs. Odom of First Baptist has kindly offered use of the church copier and asked that I "not mention it to the Reverend")

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

I have been asked why.

Three Sundays ago, a Sunday school minister whose name I shall withhold until his grade is finalized told me that my questions during the lesson were "not helpful." I asked which questions. He said "all of them." I asked whether that was a matter of opinion or observation. He said I could "leave if I wanted."

I did not leave. I began writing. The Rubric is the result.

The clergy of this county are given a great deal of authority and very little assessment. They are graded by no one. Their congregations do not know whether a homily is sound or merely loud. Their ties go unremarked. This is a gap, and I am, as it happens, very good at filling gaps.

The methodology is printed on the back page. It will be printed on the back page of every issue. Please stop asking.

METHODOLOGY (reprinted from Vol. I, No. 1)

Letter grades A through F with pluses and minuses. Each office is graded in categories appropriate to its function. A separate Demeanor score is awarded where warranted. Infractions are footnoted. All grades are based on direct, in-person observation by the Editor, who sits in the front row so that nothing is missed and so that the subject is aware of being assessed. Awareness improves performance. Hebrews 4:13.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, Philippians 4:4–9

Category	Grade
Exegesis	B
Delivery	C
Time Management	D
Posture	B+
Demeanor	C-
OVERALL	C-

Remarks: Exegesis was adequate. The Reverend understands Philippians. He does not, however, understand a clock. The service was scheduled to conclude at 7:30. It concluded at 7:42. Twelve minutes is not a rounding error; it is a quarter of an hour, nearly, and I had a bus to catch.

Delivery: the Reverend has a good voice and does not use it. He speaks at one volume throughout. He does not pause. When he reached "whatever is pure, whatever is lovely," he did not look up from his notes, and I was right there.

Posture, on the other hand, is promising. The Reverend stands with his feet planted and his shoulders back, and when he leaned over the pulpit to make a point about anxiety he did so with his spine straight and both hands gripping the wood. B+. I shall be watching this category closely. It is the one thing about him I found nothing to correct.

Demeanor: at the conclusion of service the Reverend approached the front row and asked what I was writing. I informed him it was an assessment. He asked of what. I said "of you." He looked at the clipboard for a rather long time and then at me for longer and said, "Well." Then he walked away. That is a C-. A shepherd should not be rattled by a lamb with a pen.

Infractions Observed:

(1) The Reverend loosened his necktie during the closing hymn. I saw it. Two fingers, one tug, a full inch. A tie is a discipline. If it is not going to stay tied, one wonders what the point of tying it was. I trust this will not happen again and I will be checking.
(2) The Reverend perspired through the back of his shirt by the second hymn. I have not decided whether this is an infraction. I am recording it so that I can decide later.
(3) The front-row pew has a slight give in the seat. I noticed it because I sat on it for the full ninety-four minutes. I will be inspecting it further.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class

Category	Grade
Doctrinal Soundness	A
Classroom Control	A
Warmth Without Familiarity	A-
OVERALL	A

Remarks: I have nothing to correct and I find that troubling.

Sister Marguerite taught the sacraments for forty minutes without a single error I could identify, and I had my concordance open. Her classroom control is total. She did not raise her voice. She did not need to. She has a way of looking at a person over the top of her spectacles that I found — I will be honest — somewhat familiar, and I am not certain I liked seeing it from the other side.

I attempted also to audit the sacrament of reconciliation. I entered the left-hand confessional booth at 4:15 to assess the fixtures, the kneeler, and the acoustics of the lattice screen. At 4:55 Sister Marguerite opened the curtain and asked whether I had "finished," and if so, whether I intended to confess anything, because Father was waiting.

I said I was conducting an audit. She said, "Of course you are," and let the curtain fall.

I do not know her well enough yet to have a column for that. I will be creating one.

Infractions Observed:

(1) None. Gracious.

MOUNT ZION PENTECOSTAL

Pastor Ezekiel Rawls — Sunday Morning, "Shake the Dust"

Category	Grade
Exegesis	C
Delivery	A-
Time Management	F
Posture	D
OVERALL	C-

Remarks: I was asked to leave. This is the first time I have been asked to leave any congregation and I am recording it here so that there is a record.

The Pastor took exception to the clipboard. He said it was "not the spirit of the place." I said that Paul kept records of every church he visited. He said Paul did not sit in the front row "with a lollipop." I said Paul might well have, we do not have a complete account, and I was escorted to the parking lot by two deacons who were very polite about it.

Delivery A-. He is loud. It works. Posture D: the Pastor jumps.

THE ROUTE 9 CHURCH BUS

The Driver — One Way, Harlan Crossing to St. Agnes

Category	Grade
Language & Conduct	B
Road Safety	B+
OVERALL	B

Remarks: The Driver did not speak. This is neither an infraction nor a virtue. He drove at the limit, signaled his turns, and glanced in the rearview mirror twice, which I assume was to check for traffic. There was no traffic. I sat in the back row with my supplies on my lap and my notes on my knee and had a very quiet ride. B.

NOTICE

I have written to Bethel Lutheran to request attendance at the quarterly youth lock-in in the capacity of observer. I have been informed by the youth coordinator, Mrs. Krause, that there is "an age limit." I have requested a copy of the bylaws. She has said she will "look for them." I have said I will wait.

LETTERS

Mrs. Odom writes: "Honey, do you need a ride home after evening service? It's dark."

No, thank you, Mrs. Odom. I take the bus. But I would be grateful if you could tell me who has the key to the sanctuary broom closet, as I would like to inspect it.

A reader writes: "Who are you?"

I am the Editor.

CORRECTION

There are no corrections. The Rubric has not yet been wrong.

The Weekly Rubric is printed on a copier that shall not be named and folded by hand. Grades are final.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21