Week 37 · Grading the Shepherds Since the Lord Saw Fit to Provide a Clipboard

Vol. IV, No. 37

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 312 (313 pending Mrs. Odom's neighbor)

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

Gracious, what a week.

I have been asked, again, to explain the methodology. I will not. The methodology has been printed in every issue since Volume I and is available on the back of any church literature table from which it has not yet been removed. The Rubric is not a matter of opinion. It is a matter of observation, and I observe a great deal.

I have also been asked, by a reader who did not sign his letter but whose penmanship I recognize, whether I "ever intend to lighten up." I should think not. Proverbs 27:17. Iron sharpens iron. If certain clergy find the sharpening uncomfortable, I would gently suggest that is rather the point.

On to the grades. I have five congregations, one bus, and a Correction this week, and I have been sitting on a very hard pew since Thursday, so I shall be brief.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, Romans 8:26–39

Remarks: The Reverend's treatment of "groanings too deep for words" was, I will say plainly, the finest I have heard on the Circuit. He did not rush it. He let the verse sit. He looked directly at the front row for the duration of the silence, which I found appropriate, and which I noted.

Time management was exemplary. The service concluded at 7:42. The Reverend remained in the sanctuary until considerably later attending to matters of pastoral care, which I am able to confirm because I was present in my capacity as auditor and stayed to assess the condition of the pews after the congregation had departed. The pews are in excellent condition. The front one is quite sturdy. I tested it thoroughly.

Posture: the Reverend stands with his feet planted wide, his shoulders back, and does not slouch even when exerting himself. A+. I do not give A+ lightly. I have given it exactly four times in four years and all four have been to Reverend Hale's posture.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Sleeves rolled to the forearm during service. This is a repeat infraction. It has been noted in nine consecutive issues. I am beginning to suspect the Reverend does it on purpose.
• (2) The Reverend wore a burgundy necktie in a Windsor knot. This is not an infraction. I include it for the record. The knot was tight, correctly dimpled, and remained in place for the entire evening, including during exertion, which I consider a mark of real discipline and which I have noted in the ledger — the public ledger, I mean, the Rubric. This one.
• (3) A red pen was found on the sanctuary carpet Monday morning by Mrs. Odom. It was mine. I have retrieved it. I mention this only so no one else is blamed.

Trend: C- (Vol. I, No. 3) → C (Vol. I, No. 11) → B- → B → B+ → A- (this issue). Readers who have written in asking whether the Reverend's steady improvement is "a bit much" are reminded that the Rubric grades what it sees. I see a great deal of Reverend Hale.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class & Reconciliation Audit

Remarks: Sister Marguerite's classroom control is, frankly, unnerving. Sixteen confirmands, forty minutes, not one of them looked at a window. She achieved this without raising her voice, which I respect, and by looking at each of them over the top of her spectacles in a manner I recognize, because I do it too, and it is very effective.

Warmth Without Familiarity is marked down not because Sister was cold — she was not — but because at the conclusion of class she asked me, in front of the confirmands, whether I "intended to be in the confessional again this week and on which side." That is familiarity. That is hardly appropriate. I said I would be conducting my audit as scheduled. She said she would be conducting hers. I do not know what she meant by that and I have decided not to find out.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Sister Marguerite has requested, for the third time, to inspect the contents of my backpack "for the safety of the children." The children are sixteen and the backpack contains supplies. I have declined. Preparedness is a virtue. Curiosity, Sister, is in a different column.
• (2) The confessional kneeler on the left-hand booth has a loose bolt. I discovered this during a lengthy audit of the sacrament. I recommend it be tightened. I recommend the padding also be replaced, as it is worn thin in the center and after forty-five minutes one begins to feel it.

GRACE FELLOWSHIP COMMUNITY CHURCH

Brother Danny Cole — Young Adult Ministry, Wednesday Night

Remarks: The curriculum this week was titled "Jesus & Your Vibe." I will not be elaborating. Brother Danny played guitar for eleven of the forty minutes. The theological content of the remaining twenty-nine could have been printed on a lollipop wrapper, and I speak as an authority on lollipop wrappers.

Snack quality: pretzels and a two-liter. C+. Last week there were corndogs, which I graded B+, and about which Brother Danny made a remark I have chosen not to record.

Supervision: D-. At the conclusion of class Brother Danny dismissed the young adults and then remained in the classroom with the door closed and, I later discovered, locked, for a period during which he could not possibly have been supervising anyone except the auditor. I have noted this. I intend to return next Wednesday to note it again, as a single observation does not constitute a pattern and the Rubric requires rigor.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Skinny jeans in a teaching capacity. Ongoing.
• (2) Brother Danny referred to me as "Clipboard." This is not my name. I told him so. He said "Okay, Clipboard." I have given him a D and he has thanked me for it, which I find genuinely disorienting, and I would ask readers to pray on it.

MOUNT ZION PENTECOSTAL

Pastor Ezekiel Rawls — Sunday Morning, "The Refiner's Fire"

Remarks: Delivery was outstanding. Pastor Rawls does not so much preach as detonate. Time management: the service began at 10:00 and I departed at 1:15, not because it had ended but because the sanctuary was ninety-one degrees and I was wearing my summer dress shorts and had begun to adhere to the folding chair.

Posture is marked down for the Pastor's habit of leaping. Leaping is not posture.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) I was asked to leave. Again. This is the sixth time. I remind Pastor Rawls that Hebrews 13:2 concerns hospitality to strangers and that I am hardly a stranger at this point.
• (2) A deacon offered me a bulletin "for my lap." I accepted it. I always do. I have a Bible for that purpose but one does not refuse a kindness.

ST. MARK'S EPISCOPAL

Fr. Whitcombe — Sunday Eucharist (Rite II)

Remarks: Eleven minutes. Bless him. Vestments immaculate. Nothing to report from the pulpit.

Custodial Note: In the course of my standard inspection I audited the sacristy broom closet and found it exceptionally well stocked and well organized, with the notable exception of the top shelf, which is too high for a person of average height to reach without standing on tiptoe and stretching considerably. I did so for some time. I was interrupted by the verger, who stood in the doorway for what I would estimate was a full minute before announcing himself, which I consider poor form, and whose expression I have noted, though not what it meant.

THE ROUTE 9 CHURCH BUS

The Driver — Round Trip, Harlan Crossing to Bethel Lutheran

Remarks: I have added a category. A driver's eyes belong on the road. For a substantial portion of a fifty-minute trip during which I sat in the back row eating a dill pickle and completing my notes, the Driver's eyes were not on the road. I checked. Repeatedly. They were in the mirror. I do not know what he was monitoring — there was nothing behind us — but it was persistent enough to warrant a column, and so it has one.

Language and conduct remain a solid B, as they have for three years. The Driver said "goodness" once when I dropped my pickle, which I took as sympathy.

NOTICE TO BETHEL LUTHERAN

The lock-in is Friday. I will be attending as an observer, as I have every quarter, and I will require the bottom bunk nearest the wall, as I have every quarter. I have read the Bethel Lutheran youth ministry bylaws in their entirety — all fourteen pages — and I can confirm there is no age restriction on observers. I checked twice. I brought a copy. I will be bringing my own sleeping bag and my supplies and I do not anticipate sleeping.

LETTERS

A reader writes: "Do you ever grade yourself?"

I do. Daily. Privately. The results are not for publication.

Sister Marguerite writes: "I have a ledger too, young man. Mine is longer."

Noted, Sister. I'll be looking forward to comparing methodologies.

CORRECTION

In last week's issue (Vol. IV, No. 36) I stated that Reverend Hale's tie was "burgundy." Having examined it at closer range, I can now confirm it is oxblood. The Rubric regrets the error. The Rubric will be more careful. The Rubric intends to examine it again to be sure.

The Weekly Rubric is printed on Mrs. Odom's copier and folded by hand. It may be found on any literature table from which it has not yet been confiscated. Grades are final. Appeals may be submitted in writing and will be graded.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21