Week 36 · Grading the Shepherds Since the Lord Saw Fit to Provide a Clipboard

Vol. IV, No. 36

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 309

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

Two notices.

First: the Bethel Lutheran quarterly lock-in is next Friday. I will be attending as an observer, as I have every quarter for two years, and I will require the bottom bunk nearest the wall. Mrs. Krause has not raised the matter of an age limit this time, which I appreciate, and which I have chosen to interpret as the bylaws having finally been read by someone other than me.

Second: I have been asked — by a reader, by Mrs. Odom, and by the subject himself — whether Reverend Hale will "ever" leave the B+ range. I would remind everyone that the Rubric grades what it observes. I would also say that I have observed a great deal this week, and that the Reverend knows exactly what he did, and that readers should turn the page.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, Romans 7:15–25

Remarks: Seventh consecutive B+. It is the last one. I am saying so in print because I have never before predicted a grade and I want it on record that I have.

Exegesis A. "For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing." The Reverend preached this without softening it and without looking away from the front row for the entirety of verse 19, and when he reached "Wretched man that I am!" he said it quietly, to one person, and I do not think anyone else in the sanctuary noticed who.

Delivery A-. Looked up for the prayer. Held it. Good. I am keeping this at A- only because he swallowed twice during "amen" and I have a rule about audible swallowing.

Posture A+. The tenth. After service, in the empty sanctuary, the Reverend came down from the pulpit and did not sit four feet away this time. He stood directly in front of the front pew where I was completing my notes — feet planted, shoulders back, forearms folded — and he stood there until I looked up, which took some time because I was determined to finish the sentence. When I looked up he said, "Romans 7." I said I had noted it. He said, "Every word of that was true." I said the Rubric does not grade sincerity. He said, "Then what does it grade?" And I did not have an answer, and I have never before not had an answer in that sanctuary, and I closed the clipboard.

Demeanor A-. I am raising it by a full letter and a half and I will explain exactly why, because the Rubric is transparent. The Reverend did not ask what grade he was getting. He did not ask what it would take. He asked whether I had a bus to catch. I said 8:15. He said, "It's 7:40." I said I was aware. He said, "Then you've got time to inspect the pews properly." I said I had been inspecting them for four years. He said, "Not properly." And then he took off his jacket, and rolled his sleeves to the forearm — which I have noted as an infraction in seven issues and which, at 7:41 on a Sunday evening in an empty sanctuary, I have decided not to note — and he did not loosen his tie.

He did not loosen his tie. I want that understood. Burgundy, Windsor knot, correctly dimpled. It was the one thing I checked, repeatedly, from a variety of angles and distances, over the following period during which the pews were inspected properly, and it did not move, and it is the most disciplined thing I have ever seen a man do, and it is why Demeanor is an A- and not lower, and it is why Overall is still a B+ and not higher, because I have a methodology and the methodology requires two consecutive A- Demeanor scores before Overall can move, and I wrote that rule in Volume I when I did not know it would ever matter.

I missed the 8:15 bus. I caught the 9:30. The Reverend drove me to the stop. His posture, seated, was an A+.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Sleeves rolled during service. Eighth issue. See above for why the ninth will not be counted the same way.
• (2) The burgundy necktie remained knotted throughout service and throughout the inspection of the pews. Standing line. I have never been so certain of a standing line.
• (3) The front-row pew is sturdy. It is extremely sturdy. I have now tested it under conditions I had not previously been able to arrange and it did not creak once.
• (4) I have left something in the sanctuary. I do not yet know what. I will find out when Mrs. Odom does.

Trend: B+ ×7. Next week: I have said what I have said.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Fr. Brennan — Homily & Reconciliation Audit (Thurs.)

Remarks: Thursday, 3:30 to 5:20. Father said "Child." I did not correct him this time. I have stopped correcting him.

I lasted four minutes before speaking. I described Sunday. All of it. The pew, the sleeves, the tie that did not move, the 9:30 bus. I described it in more detail than I have printed above, because the Rubric has a readership and the confessional does not, and when I finished Father was silent for so long that I said, "Father?" and he said, "I heard you." I said I supposed he had. He said, "You closed the clipboard." I said yes. He said, "First time?" I said yes. He said, "Hm."

That is the first time in five weeks Father Brennan has said anything to me that was not a question or an instruction to continue. Hm. I have been thinking about it since Thursday. I do not know whether it was approval or the other thing. I have written "Hm" at the top of the Confessional Demeanor column and I am looking at it and I still cannot turn it into a letter.

He absolved me. Latin. His hand was on the lattice before he started and it was still there when I left.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) The bolt. Sixth issue. I have stopped expecting it to be tightened. I have started to think that is the point.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class

Remarks: No request this week. Sister did not mention the backpack. She did not mention Thursdays. She taught the sacrament of confirmation for forty minutes with the door open "for air" and at the end of class she said, "Have a good weekend, Clark," and I said thank you, and then she said, "Give my regards to the Reverend," and I said I did not know what she meant, and she said, "Mrs. Odom and I play bridge."

I have added Mrs. Odom to the ledger. Not a low grade. Just a note.

GRACE FELLOWSHIP COMMUNITY CHURCH

Brother Danny Cole — Young Adult Ministry

Remarks: Curriculum D: "God's Got You." Guitar: eight minutes, an improvement.

Snack C: chips. Bagged. Brother Danny apologized. He said, "Budget week, Clipboard. Corndogs next time, promise." I said the Rubric does not grade promises. He said, "I know. That's why I'm making one."

Supervision C-. Door closed. Not locked. I checked twice. I stood at the door with my hand on the deadbolt for longer than checking required and Brother Danny, from the table, said, "Not tonight. Got a thing." I said I had not asked. He said, "You're standing at the door, Clipboard." I was. I went back to my chair and completed my notes and he played guitar — quietly, not for the room, just playing — and I have graded that as Supervision because he was, in a sense, supervising me, and I have raised it half a step because I did not want to leave and that is not a Rubric category and I am not going to make it one.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Jeans.
• (2) Clipboard.
• (3) When I left, Brother Danny said, "Hey — good issue last week." He reads it. I did not know he read it. I have not decided which column that goes in and I am running out of columns.

MOUNT ZION PENTECOSTAL

Pastor Ezekiel Rawls — "Tongues of Flame"

Remarks: Not asked to leave. First time in eight visits. I sat through the entire service, all three hours and ten minutes of it, in dress shorts, and I was not escorted anywhere. At the end the Pastor came down the aisle, looked at the clipboard, looked at me, and said, "You just gonna keep coming back, ain't you." I said yes. He said, "Well, all right then," and shook my hand. Posture raised to C for the handshake. Time Management remains an F because three hours is three hours.

ST. MARK'S EPISCOPAL

Fr. Whitcombe — Sunday Eucharist

Remarks: Eleven minutes. Fine.

Custodial Note: I let Mr. Pruitt know. I said the shelf could stay where it was. He said, "Thought so." He was not in the doorway this time. He was inside the closet, restocking, when I arrived, and he did not leave when I began my inspection, and the closet is not large, and I completed the inspection with less reaching than usual and more standing quite still. He said one thing: "You always this quiet?" I said no. He said, "Huh." That is the second huh I have received from a tall silent man this month and I am beginning to think it means something.

THE ROUTE 9 CHURCH BUS

The Driver — Round Trip, Harlan Crossing to St. Agnes

Remarks: Twenty-two minutes of fifty on the return. Nearly half. I did not eat anything. There was nothing to watch except me completing my notes in the back row, and the Driver watched it. When I stood to get off at St. Agnes he said — the first thing he has said to me in three years that was not "watch your step" — "You dropped something." I had not. I checked. He said, "Last week. Under the seat. Red." He handed me a lollipop, still wrapped, that I had lost the week before. He had kept it. In his shirt pocket. For a week.

The category is printed next week. I have decided. Its name is Rearview Mirror Discipline and I already know the grade.

NOTICE TO BETHEL LUTHERAN

Lock-in: Friday. Bottom bunk, wall side. I will be bringing my sleeping bag, my clipboard, my Bible, and my supplies. I will not be sleeping. I never do. The youth leader who occupied the top bunk last quarter and asked whether I "was always like this" is welcome to occupy it again. I have his answer ready.

LETTERS

A reader writes: "Seven B+ in a row. Are you afraid to give him the A?"

No. I am afraid of what I will have to write in the Remarks when I do. Next week you may judge for yourself.

Mrs. Odom writes: "Honey, I found something in the sanctuary Monday morning. I'll hold onto it."

Thank you, Mrs. Odom. I know what it is now. I would be grateful if it stayed between us and did not come up at bridge.

Sister Marguerite writes: "Bridge is Tuesdays."

Noted.

CORRECTION

In Vol. IV, No. 35, I described the Reverend's necktie as "burgundy." Having now examined it under a number of lighting conditions and from a range of distances, I am confident that burgundy is correct, and I am printing this confirmation so that readers understand the Rubric checks its work. The tie is burgundy. I am certain. I have never been more certain of a color.

The Weekly Rubric is printed on Mrs. Odom's copier and folded by hand. Grades are final. Appeals may be submitted in writing and will be graded.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21