Week 35 · Grading the Shepherds Since the Lord Saw Fit to Provide a Clipboard

Vol. IV, No. 35

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 306

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

A short note on methodology, because I have been asked — by Sister Marguerite, in writing, on parish letterhead — whether the Rubric has "a private grading system that does not appear in print."

The Rubric has a methodology. It is on the back page. Anything else the Editor may write is the Editor's business, kept in the Editor's breast pocket, and not the subject of a newsletter about clergy performance. I trust that settles it.

It will not settle it.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, Song of Solomon 2

Remarks: Sixth consecutive B+, but the categories have moved and readers should note which.

Exegesis A. The Reverend preached Song of Solomon to a Baptist congregation without once apologizing for it. "I am a rose of Sharon" — delivered plainly, no coughing, no "of course this is about the Church." Brave. Correct.

Delivery A-. He looked up during the closing prayer. Finally. He looked up and he looked at the front row and he kept looking, through "amen," through the organ, until the congregation was standing and I was the only person still seated. I have raised Delivery. I have not raised Overall, because Demeanor is not there yet, and I will explain.

Demeanor B+. After service, the empty sanctuary. The Reverend did not ask what grade he was getting. For the first time in eleven weeks he did not ask. He came down to the front pew, sat on it — next to me, at the far end, a full four feet away — and said, "Song of Solomon's about what it's about." I said yes. He said, "I preached it for the front row." I said the front row had noted it. He said, "Good." Then he sat there, in his posture, for a long time, and I completed my notes, and neither of us said anything, and I have decided that was Demeanor and it was very nearly an A- and it was not quite, because at the end of it he stood up and said, "You've got mustard on your tie," and I did, and he was smiling, and I have never once seen him smile at a footnote.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Sleeves rolled. Seventh issue. I am no longer recording this as an infraction so much as a fact.
• (2) Necktie knotted throughout. Standing line. I confirmed it from four feet away and then from closer, because the light was poor.
• (3) Mustard on the Editor's tie. Noted so that no one else is blamed.

Trend: B+ ×6. Delivery A-. Watch this space.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Fr. Brennan — Homily & Reconciliation Audit (Thurs.)

Remarks: Thursday, 3:30 to 5:40. Two hours and ten minutes. I want to be plain that the length of an audit reflects the thoroughness of the fixtures, not the fixtures themselves.

Father said "Child" and then nothing. I lasted nine minutes this time before beginning to describe things. I have been practicing. It did not help.

I described the Reverend's pew. I described the broom closet at St. Mark's and the verger who stands in doorways. I described Brother Danny's deadbolt, which I had not intended to describe to anyone, and Father said "And what did you do then," and I told him, and there was a very long silence, and then the lattice screen creaked slightly — the way wood does when weight leans on it — and Father said, very close, "Go on."

The column remains blank. I would like readers to understand that I have graded every clergyman on this Circuit into a letter, including men who threw me out of their buildings, and that I cannot assign a letter to a man who has never once told me to do anything and whom I have obeyed every Thursday for a month.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) The bolt. Fifth issue. The kneeler now shifts a quarter-inch to the left under load. I have measured this. I did not need a ruler.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class

Remarks: See Editor's Desk. Sister's letter is answered there. She read my answer over my shoulder while I drafted it in the parish hall and said, "Breast pocket," and walked away. I have moved the ledger to the other breast pocket.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Sister has begun leaving the door of the confirmation classroom open on Thursdays "for air." The classroom faces the confessionals.

GRACE FELLOWSHIP COMMUNITY CHURCH

Brother Danny Cole — Young Adult Ministry, Wednesday Night

Remarks: Curriculum D-: "Let Go & Let God (Literally)." Guitar for twelve of forty minutes. When I raised my hand to ask what "literally" meant in this context, Brother Danny said, "You'll see, Clipboard."

Snack B+: corndogs. Hot, on wooden sticks, mustard in a squeeze bottle. I had two. He set the mustard in front of me and said nothing, and I have noted that when Brother Danny is quiet it is because he is watching something, and what he was watching was me and the corndog from a distance of approximately three feet, with his elbows on his knees and an expression I have decided to call attentive. He did not blink for the length of the second one. I know because I was checking whether he would.

Supervision D-. Class dismissed. Door closed. Deadbolt turned — second time. I now have two observations, which is the minimum for a pattern, and I have therefore recorded it as one: on Wednesday nights after the young adults leave, Brother Danny locks the classroom with the auditor inside it and then does not supervise anyone at all. I have not recorded the remainder because the Rubric grades clergy performance and I am not clergy.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Jeans.
• (2) Clipboard.
• (3) At the end of the evening Brother Danny handed me a napkin, unprompted, and said, "Mustard." I did have mustard. I do not know how he knew before I did.

MOUNT ZION PENTECOSTAL

Pastor Ezekiel Rawls — "Baptized in Fire"

Remarks: Asked to leave. Fifth time. The deacon who escorted me out said, "See you next month, Clark," which is the first time anyone at Mount Zion has used my name, and I have decided it counts toward Demeanor even though I was in the parking lot when he said it.

ST. MARK'S EPISCOPAL

Fr. Whitcombe — Sunday Eucharist

Remarks: Nine minutes. A record. Bless him.

Custodial Note: The top shelf of the sacristy broom closet has been lowered. Two inches. I noticed at once, because I reached for the brass polish and my heel did not leave the floor. I stood there for a moment not knowing what to do with my arm.

Mr. Pruitt was in the doorway. He said, "Fixed it." I said I had not asked him to. He said, "No." I said the shelf had been fine. He said, "You said it was too high." I said that had been an observation, not a request, and the Rubric does not make requests. He said, "Want me to put it back?" I said — and I have thought about this since — "I'll let you know." He nodded and left. I have not let him know.

THE ROUTE 9 CHURCH BUS

The Driver — Round Trip

Remarks: Outbound: fourteen minutes of fifty. Return: nineteen. I ate a pickle on the return and the number went up during the pickle and I have stopped pretending I do not know what is being monitored. The category has a name. I have written it at the top of a fresh grading sheet. I have not printed it. Next week, perhaps. Or the week after.

LETTERS

Sister Marguerite writes, on parish letterhead: "Answer the question."

I have, Sister. See the Editor's Desk. See also the other pocket.

Brother Danny Cole writes, on a corndog wrapper: "2 in a row. New record Clipboard."

I have graded the wrapper. Grease F. Arithmetic A. It was two. He is right.

CORRECTION

In Vol. IV, No. 34, I described Mr. Pruitt as "rarely speaking." He has now spoken twice in two weeks and lowered a shelf. The Rubric regrets the error and does not know what to do about it.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21