Week 34 · Grading the Shepherds Since the Lord Saw Fit to Provide a Clipboard

Vol. IV, No. 34

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 302

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

The Rubric has a new subscriber: the verger of St. Mark's Episcopal, Mr. Pruitt, who has been removing the newsletter from the literature table and who, when confronted, said he had been "taking it home to read." I have added him to the mailing list so that he may stop stealing. He did not thank me. He did not say anything. He rarely does.

Also, Bethel Lutheran has confirmed the spring lock-in date. Same bunk.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, James 1:2–12

Remarks: Fifth consecutive B+.

"Count it all joy when you meet trials of various kinds." The Reverend delivered this looking directly at the front row, and held the look longer than the verse required, and I have decided that this is Delivery and not Demeanor and have graded it accordingly. He did not, however, look up during the closing prayer. B+. I am not moving it until he does.

Posture A+. The eighth. After service the Reverend came down to the front pew where I was completing my notes and stood over me with his arms folded and his feet planted and said nothing for a full minute, which is a very long time, and his posture did not waver once. I have never seen a man stand that still. I stopped writing. I have recorded that I stopped writing.

Demeanor B. He asked what it would take. I said I could not discuss it in the sanctuary. He said, "The sanctuary's empty." I said it was still a sanctuary. He said, "Broom closet, then." I said that was hardly appropriate. He said, "Mrs. Odom says you inspect it every week." I said that was for the Rubric. He said, "Everything's for the Rubric." I did not have an answer for that and I have written it down so that I can find one.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Sleeves. Sixth issue.
• (2) Necktie knotted throughout. Standing.
• (3) The Reverend has begun to smell faintly of cedar. This is not an infraction. I do not know why I have recorded it.

Trend: B+ ×5.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Fr. Brennan — Homily & Reconciliation Audit (Sat. & Thurs.)

Remarks: Twenty-six minutes. B-.

The Thursday audit was conducted from 3:30 to 5:15. Father entered his side at 3:31. He said, "Child." I said I was eighteen. He said, "I know." Then nothing for what I estimate was twenty minutes, during which I heard his rosary — one bead at a time, very slow — and eventually I began to describe the state of the fixtures aloud because someone had to say something, and I found that once I had begun describing things I had some difficulty stopping, and I described a number of things that were not fixtures.

He listened to all of it. He said, "And what did you do then." I told him. He said, "Go on." I did.

At 5:10 he absolved me. In Latin. I did not ask him to. I have not decided whether that is a Demeanor issue. The column remains blank because I do not have a letter for a man who can make me confess to a broom closet without asking a single question.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Kneeler bolt. Fourth issue. The padding is now visibly compressed in the center. I am in a position to know.
• (2) At the conclusion of the Thursday audit, as I was leaving the booth, Father's hand was resting flat against the lattice screen at the height of my face. I do not know how long it had been there. It is not an infraction. I have recorded where it was.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class

Remarks: Warmth Without Familiarity marked down a step. At the close of class Sister said, in front of the confirmands, "Thursday again?" I said yes. She said, "Long one." I said the sacrament takes the time it takes. She said, "Does it." I have asked her, in this column, to refrain from using Father's silences on me. It is one thing from a confessor. From a schoolteacher it is hardly appropriate.

She then made her second formal request to inspect my backpack. I declined. She said, "That's twice." I said I was counting too.

GRACE FELLOWSHIP COMMUNITY CHURCH

Brother Danny Cole — Young Adult Ministry

Remarks: Lesson: "Jesus Was Chill." I have nothing to add.

Snack: a large jar of whole dill pickles, which Brother Danny set on the table directly in front of my chair and said, "Saw you eat one on the bus. Figured." I do not know when he saw me on the bus. I had one. I had another. He watched both, from the folding table, with his knees apart and his guitar across his lap, and did not say anything, which from him is unusual enough that I have marked Supervision down a full letter for the attention it took away from the room. D.

After class: door closed. Then — for the first time — the deadbolt. I heard it turn. I have recorded the sound. I have not recorded what came after because I have not yet decided which column it belongs in, and a single observation does not constitute a pattern.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Jeans.
• (2) Clipboard.
• (3) Brother Danny referred to my grading sheet as "the scorecard" and asked if he could "see how he's doing." I showed him the D. He said, "Ouch. Same time next week?" Yes.

ST. MARK'S EPISCOPAL

Fr. Whitcombe — Sunday Eucharist

Remarks: Ten minutes. Perfect.

Custodial Note: Sacristy broom closet audited. Top shelf still too high. Mr. Pruitt appeared in the doorway while I was on tiptoe, mid-reach, and this time — for the first time in two years — spoke. He said, "Need a hand?" I said no. He said, "Didn't think so." He stayed. I finished reaching. I have added him to the mailing list.

THE ROUTE 9 CHURCH BUS

The Driver — Round Trip

Remarks: I timed the mirror. Outbound: eleven minutes of fifty. Return: sixteen. The road was straight and empty both ways. I am now very nearly certain I need a category. I have drafted a name for it. I have not printed it because printing it makes it real.

LETTERS

Mr. Pruitt (St. Mark's) writes, on the back of a Rubric he took from the table: "Shelf's not that high."

It is for me, Mr. Pruitt.

CORRECTION

None.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21