Week 33 · Grading the Shepherds Since the Lord Saw Fit to Provide a Clipboard

Vol. IV, No. 33

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 298

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

I have been asked whether a B+ is "as high as it goes."

It is not. The scale runs to A+, as printed on the back page every week since Volume I. A B+ is earned, recorded, and not a ceiling. If a subject wishes to leave the B+ range, the subject knows what is required, because I have told him, in writing, in this column, for four consecutive issues.

Also: someone has been removing the Rubric from the St. Mark's literature table before the congregation arrives. I know who. I have his grade.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, Psalm 51

Remarks: Fourth consecutive B+. This is not a plateau of the Editor's making.

Exegesis was very nearly excellent. The pause after "renew a right spirit within me" ran a full six seconds, during which he looked at the front row and I looked at my clipboard, because that is where an auditor looks. A-.

Delivery held at B+ because the Reverend still reads the closing prayer from the page. He knows it. Look up.

Posture A+. The seventh A+ I have awarded and the seventh to this category. After the sanctuary empties he stands exactly the same way at the front pew while attending to pastoral matters, and a man who holds his posture when no one is watching has genuinely got it. I would like it on record that I was watching.

Demeanor B: the Reverend asked what grade he was getting. I said Thursday. He said, "You've had me at B+ for a month." I said I was aware. He said, "What's it going to take?" I said that was not a question the Rubric answers in the sanctuary. He said, "Where does it answer it?" I did not have a column for that.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Sleeves rolled to the forearm during service. Fifth consecutive issue. I have stopped believing this is accidental.
• (2) Burgundy necktie, Windsor knot, remained knotted throughout service and throughout the period afterward during which I remained to assess the pews. Has not loosened since Vol. I, No. 3. Standing line.
• (3) The front-row pew remains entirely sturdy. I tested it for some time.

Trend: B+ → B+ → B+ → B+. Readers may draw their own conclusions. I have drawn mine and written them somewhere else.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Fr. Brennan — Sunday Homily & Reconciliation Audit

Remarks: I have created a column for Father Brennan. It is called Confessional Demeanor and it is, this week, blank. Not a zero. Not an incomplete. Blank. I have not decided what letter it is, and the Rubric does not guess.

The homily ran twenty-three minutes. B. Doctrine faultless.

The audit of the sacrament was conducted Saturday from 3:40 to 4:50. I entered the left-hand booth to assess the fixtures. Father entered his side at 3:41. He did not speak. I assessed the kneeler (bolt still loose), the ledge, the acoustics. He still did not speak. At 4:05 I said I was conducting an audit. He said, "Go on." I said that was all. He said, "Is it." I do not know how long the silence after that lasted because I stopped checking my watch, and I have decided that the Rubric requires further observation before a letter can be assigned. I will return Thursday. There is nothing on the parish calendar Thursday, which is convenient for scheduling.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) The kneeler bolt. Third consecutive issue. Father is aware. He has not tightened it.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class

Remarks: Sister asked, at the close of class, whether I was "seeing Father Thursdays now." I said I was auditing the sacrament on a supplementary schedule. She said, "Supplementary." I said yes. She said nothing else, which is a technique I recognize because Father uses it too, and I would ask the two of them to stop.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) None from Sister. One from me, which she has written down. She showed me the page. It was not the first page.

GRACE FELLOWSHIP COMMUNITY CHURCH

Brother Danny Cole — Young Adult Ministry, Wednesday Night

Remarks: Lesson: "Grace Is a Vibe." Guitar: ten minutes. Scripture: one verse, paraphrased.

Snack: soft pretzels. B-. Brother Danny handed me mine and said, "No stick this week, Clipboard, sorry." I said I had not asked about sticks. He said, "You looked disappointed." I was not. I have recorded that I was not.

Supervision C-. Door closed after class. Not locked. I checked. I always check.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Jeans. Standing.
• (2) The nickname. Standing. I have given up expecting it to stop and have moved it to a permanent footnote.

MOUNT ZION PENTECOSTAL

Pastor Ezekiel Rawls — "Consuming Fire"

Remarks: Asked to leave. Fourth time. A deacon handed me a bulletin on the way out without my asking. I have begun to suspect they keep one ready.

LETTERS

A reader writes: "You've had Hale at B+ for a month."

Yes. I have addressed this above and in the sanctuary. He asked me the same thing. You may compare notes.

CORRECTION

None.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21