Week 22 · Grading the Shepherds Since the Lord Saw Fit to Provide a Clipboard

Vol. III, No. 22

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 204 (Mrs. Odom reports the copier "runs hot now")

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

Two announcements.

First: the Circuit has expanded. Grace Fellowship Community Church, the warehouse on the bypass with the coffee bar and the fog, has a young adult ministry that has never once been assessed. I have corrected this. The results are below and they are not good.

Second: I have attended my first lock-in. It took two years and fourteen pages of bylaws, but I have attended, and I have observed, and I will be attending every quarter from now on. Mrs. Krause has stopped looking for the age limit. There isn't one. I told her that in Volume I.

Also, a reader has asked whether the Rubric "grades First Baptist an awful lot." The Rubric grades what is on the Circuit. First Baptist is on the Circuit. Its Reverend continues to improve, and improvement requires monitoring. I do not see the difficulty.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, 1 Corinthians 13

Remarks: The Reverend has learned to use a clock. Service concluded at 7:29. One minute early. I looked up from the clipboard when the benediction began and he was already looking at the front row, as though to confirm I had noticed. I had. A.

Delivery is improving. He paused twice. He looked up from his notes for the whole of verse 4 — "love is patient, love is kind" — and delivered it directly toward the front pew, where I was the only one seated. I assume this was practice. I have marked it B and noted the eye contact separately.

Posture: A+. I have now given A+ three times and all three have gone to this category and this man. The Reverend does not slouch. When he grips the pulpit his forearms brace and his shoulders set, and when the sanctuary empties and he comes down to attend to pastoral matters he stands exactly the same way. It is a discipline. I have said so before. I will say so again.

Demeanor: B-. After service the Reverend asked me — for the eleventh consecutive week — what grade I was giving him. I told him he would read it Thursday like everyone else. He said, "You could just tell me." I said the Rubric does not preview. He said, "You're a hard one." I said I should hope so, and I would ask readers not to write in about the phrasing, as I have already been written to about it.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) The Reverend's necktie — burgundy, Windsor knot, correctly dimpled — remained knotted for the entire service and for the considerable period afterward during which I remained in the sanctuary assessing the pews. It did not loosen. It has not loosened once since Vol. I, No. 3. I have decided this is worth a standing line in the Infractions column despite not being an infraction, because consistency should be recorded, and because I have been watching for it, closely, and I want that on the record too.
• (2) The Reverend wore his suit jacket throughout the service. This is correct. I note that he removed it afterward, in the empty sanctuary, and rolled his shirtsleeves to the forearm while attending to pastoral matters, and I have decided that since service had concluded this is not an infraction. If it happens during service it will be.
• (3) The front-row pew's seat no longer has any give in it. I do not know whether it was repaired or whether it has simply been broken in. I have tested it extensively and it is now entirely sturdy.

Trend: C- → C → B- → B (this issue). Steady. I have no reason to believe it will stop.

GRACE FELLOWSHIP COMMUNITY CHURCH — NEW TO THE CIRCUIT

Brother Danny Cole — Young Adult Ministry, Wednesday Night

Remarks: I arrived at 6:50 in a vest and tie. Brother Danny arrived at 7:04 in jeans that I can only describe as upholstered onto him and a shirt with a slogan. He was carrying a guitar. He looked at me, looked at the clipboard, and said, "Oh, you're the guy." I said I was the Editor. He said, "Right on, Clipboard."

I have been called many things on the Circuit. I have not before been called a piece of office equipment. I told him my name. He said, "Cool. Clipboard." I have given him a D+ and I want to be clear that this was earned on the merits and not because of the nickname, though it did not help.

Curriculum: the lesson was titled "God's Not Mad at You." Scripture was cited once, from memory, incorrectly. Brother Danny played guitar for nine minutes.

Snack quality: corndogs. Hot, on sticks, with mustard. B+. I do not give snack grades above B lightly. I had two. Brother Danny watched me eat the second one for what I would estimate was its full length and then said, "You want a napkin, Clipboard?" I did. I took it. I have recorded the exchange because I record everything, not because it meant anything.

Supervision: C. Class dismissed on time. Brother Danny then asked whether I "needed anything else for the report" and, when I said I would need to inspect the room, closed the door. He did not lock it. I have noted that he did not lock it. I will be returning to assess whether the classroom is typically unlocked after hours, as a single observation does not establish a pattern.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Jeans.
• (2) The nickname. Ongoing. I have decided to treat it as a Demeanor issue and I will be revisiting it weekly until it stops.
• (3) Brother Danny is the first clergyman on the Circuit who has not asked me what grade he is receiving. When I told him it was a D+ he said, "Nice. See you next week, Clipboard." I do not know what to do with that. I have never not known what to do with a grade before.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class & Reconciliation Audit

Remarks: Sister Marguerite remains the finest classroom manager on the Circuit and I would say so even if she weren't standing behind me as I write this, which she is, because I am completing my notes in the parish hall and she has not left.

Warmth Without Familiarity is marked down one step. At the close of class, Sister approached me at the door and asked — quietly, so the confirmands could not hear, which I credit — whether she might "have a look in that bag." I asked why. She said, "For the safety of the children." I said the children were fifteen and the bag contained supplies. She said, "What sort?" I said, "The prepared sort." She looked at me over her spectacles for a length of time I did not measure because I was looking at my shoes.

She did not press. She said, "Another time, then." I have recorded it as a request declined. I have also recorded that it is the first time anyone on the Circuit has asked, and I did not enjoy it, and I have started keeping my ledger in my breast pocket rather than in the bag.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) The left-hand confessional kneeler is showing wear in the center of the padding. This is the second time I have noted it. I am in a position to notice.

ST. MARK'S EPISCOPAL

Fr. Whitcombe — Sunday Eucharist (Rite II)

Remarks: Thirteen minutes. Chasuble slightly creased at the hem. Otherwise nothing.

Custodial Note: The sacristy broom closet is the best-organized on the Circuit and I intend to make a habit of it. On this visit I noted that the top shelf holds the brass polish and is quite high, and that the verger — a tall, silent man named Mr. Pruitt — has a habit of appearing in doorways without announcing himself. He did so while I was mid-reach. He did not say anything. He did not leave, either. I have not decided which column that goes in.

MOUNT ZION PENTECOSTAL

Pastor Ezekiel Rawls — "Fire from Heaven"

Remarks: Asked to leave. Third time. The deacons and I are on first-name terms now. One of them handed me a bulletin on my way out and said "for your lap, son," which I took as a peace offering and used as directed.

BETHEL LUTHERAN — QUARTERLY LOCK-IN

Youth Ministry Overnight — Observer's Report

Remarks: I attended. I want that recorded first.

I arrived at 8:00 p.m. in slacks, shirt, tie, and vest, with my sleeping bag and my supplies, and I claimed the bottom bunk nearest the wall, as it offers the best sightline to the door and the fewest sightlines to me. Mrs. Krause asked whether I intended to sleep in my tie. I said I intended to observe, and one does not observe in pajamas.

Facilities: the bunks are steel and the mattresses are thin. B-. The fellowship hall was lit by an exit sign and a single nightlight after midnight, which is insufficient for note-taking and I have said so.

Supervision: B. The youth leaders did rounds at eleven and at one. Between rounds the hall was unsupervised except by me. I did not sleep. I lay on my side facing the aisle with my clipboard under the mattress and my glasses on and I observed that the room was very quiet and that the top bunk above me was occupied by a youth leader who also did not appear to sleep, and who at one point leaned over the rail and asked whether I "was always like this." I said yes. He said, "Huh," and lay back down. I have noted the exchange.

Snack table: one pizza box, emptied by 9:30. C.

I will be attending in the spring. Same bunk.

THE ROUTE 9 CHURCH BUS

The Driver — Round Trip, Harlan Crossing to Bethel Lutheran

Remarks: I ate a dill pickle in the back row on the outbound leg and completed my notes for the lock-in on the return. The Driver's eyes were in the mirror for a portion of both legs that I have begun, informally, to time. I am considering a category. I have not created it yet because I am not certain what I would be grading.

LETTERS

A reader writes, unsigned: "You grade First Baptist every single week."

Yes.

Brother Danny Cole writes, on a Grace Fellowship napkin: "Good issue Clipboard. See you Wed."

I have graded the napkin. Handwriting C. Punctuation F. I will be there.

Mrs. Odom writes: "The Reverend asked me if I knew what time your bus leaves. I told him I didn't. I do. Should I have?"

No, Mrs. Odom. Thank you. Although — you may tell him it is 8:15, if he asks again. For his time management.

CORRECTION

In Vol. III, No. 21, I described Reverend Hale's necktie as "red." It is not red. It is burgundy. I was seated in the front row at the time and should have seen the difference, and I have been closer to it since and can confirm. The Rubric regrets the error. The Rubric will be more careful about color going forward.

The Weekly Rubric is printed on Mrs. Odom's copier, which runs hot, and folded by hand. Grades are final. Appeals may be submitted in writing and will be graded.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21