Week 3 · Grading the Shepherds Since the Lord Saw Fit to Provide a Clipboard

Vol. I, No. 3

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 41 (Mrs. Odom of First Baptist has kindly offered use of the church copier and asked that I "not mention it to the Reverend")

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

I have been asked why.

Three Sundays ago, a Sunday school minister whose name I shall withhold until his grade is finalized told me that my questions during the lesson were "not helpful." I asked which questions. He said "all of them." I asked whether that was a matter of opinion or observation. He said I could "leave if I wanted."

I did not leave. I began writing. The Rubric is the result.

The clergy of this county are given a great deal of authority and very little assessment. They are graded by no one. Their congregations do not know whether a homily is sound or merely loud. Their ties go unremarked. This is a gap, and I am, as it happens, very good at filling gaps.

The methodology is printed on the back page. It will be printed on the back page of every issue. Please stop asking.

METHODOLOGY (reprinted from Vol. I, No. 1)

Letter grades A through F with pluses and minuses. Each office is graded in categories appropriate to its function. A separate Demeanor score is awarded where warranted. Infractions are footnoted. All grades are based on direct, in-person observation by the Editor, who sits in the front row so that nothing is missed and so that the subject is aware of being assessed. Awareness improves performance. Hebrews 4:13.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, Philippians 4:4–9

Remarks: Exegesis was adequate. The Reverend understands Philippians. He does not, however, understand a clock. The service was scheduled to conclude at 7:30. It concluded at 7:42. Twelve minutes is not a rounding error; it is a quarter of an hour, nearly, and I had a bus to catch.

Delivery: the Reverend has a good voice and does not use it. He speaks at one volume throughout. He does not pause. When he reached "whatever is pure, whatever is lovely," he did not look up from his notes, and I was right there.

Posture, on the other hand, is promising. The Reverend stands with his feet planted and his shoulders back, and when he leaned over the pulpit to make a point about anxiety he did so with his spine straight and both hands gripping the wood. B+. I shall be watching this category closely. It is the one thing about him I found nothing to correct.

Demeanor: at the conclusion of service the Reverend approached the front row and asked what I was writing. I informed him it was an assessment. He asked of what. I said "of you." He looked at the clipboard for a rather long time and then at me for longer and said, "Well." Then he walked away. That is a C-. A shepherd should not be rattled by a lamb with a pen.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) The Reverend loosened his necktie during the closing hymn. I saw it. Two fingers, one tug, a full inch. A tie is a discipline. If it is not going to stay tied, one wonders what the point of tying it was. I trust this will not happen again and I will be checking.
• (2) The Reverend perspired through the back of his shirt by the second hymn. I have not decided whether this is an infraction. I am recording it so that I can decide later.
• (3) The front-row pew has a slight give in the seat. I noticed it because I sat on it for the full ninety-four minutes. I will be inspecting it further.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class

Remarks: I have nothing to correct and I find that troubling.

Sister Marguerite taught the sacraments for forty minutes without a single error I could identify, and I had my concordance open. Her classroom control is total. She did not raise her voice. She did not need to. She has a way of looking at a person over the top of her spectacles that I found — I will be honest — somewhat familiar, and I am not certain I liked seeing it from the other side.

I attempted also to audit the sacrament of reconciliation. I entered the left-hand confessional booth at 4:15 to assess the fixtures, the kneeler, and the acoustics of the lattice screen. At 4:55 Sister Marguerite opened the curtain and asked whether I had "finished," and if so, whether I intended to confess anything, because Father was waiting.

I said I was conducting an audit. She said, "Of course you are," and let the curtain fall.

I do not know her well enough yet to have a column for that. I will be creating one.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) None. Gracious.

MOUNT ZION PENTECOSTAL

Pastor Ezekiel Rawls — Sunday Morning, "Shake the Dust"

Remarks: I was asked to leave. This is the first time I have been asked to leave any congregation and I am recording it here so that there is a record.

The Pastor took exception to the clipboard. He said it was "not the spirit of the place." I said that Paul kept records of every church he visited. He said Paul did not sit in the front row "with a lollipop." I said Paul might well have, we do not have a complete account, and I was escorted to the parking lot by two deacons who were very polite about it.

Delivery A-. He is loud. It works. Posture D: the Pastor jumps.

THE ROUTE 9 CHURCH BUS

The Driver — One Way, Harlan Crossing to St. Agnes

Remarks: The Driver did not speak. This is neither an infraction nor a virtue. He drove at the limit, signaled his turns, and glanced in the rearview mirror twice, which I assume was to check for traffic. There was no traffic. I sat in the back row with my supplies on my lap and my notes on my knee and had a very quiet ride. B.

NOTICE

I have written to Bethel Lutheran to request attendance at the quarterly youth lock-in in the capacity of observer. I have been informed by the youth coordinator, Mrs. Krause, that there is "an age limit." I have requested a copy of the bylaws. She has said she will "look for them." I have said I will wait.

LETTERS

Mrs. Odom writes: "Honey, do you need a ride home after evening service? It's dark."

No, thank you, Mrs. Odom. I take the bus. But I would be grateful if you could tell me who has the key to the sanctuary broom closet, as I would like to inspect it.

A reader writes: "Who are you?"

I am the Editor.

CORRECTION

There are no corrections. The Rubric has not yet been wrong.

The Weekly Rubric is printed on a copier that shall not be named and folded by hand. Grades are final.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21