Latest issue · Week 39 · Grading the Shepherds Since the Lord Saw Fit to Provide a Clipboard

Vol. IV, No. 39

Editor, Publisher, Sole Correspondent: Clark

Circulation: 314. Other figures are 314's affair.

Subscription: Free. Donations discouraged. Corrections unwelcome.

FROM THE EDITOR'S DESK

The Rubric is on the internet.

I did not put it there. Mrs. Odom's neighbor — subscriber number 314, who last week asked whether this newsletter was "about church" — has typed every issue since Volume I into her machine from the paper copies Mrs. Odom leaves on her porch. She showed me the result. It is the Rubric. Same masthead, same tables, same Correction. It can be read, she tells me, by anyone, and she has declined to tell me how many anyones, and I have declined to print a number I cannot verify. Circulation remains 314 until someone hands me a figure on paper.

I have set conditions. One: nothing appears on the machine that did not first appear on this page. The copier is the edition of record. Two: the Rubric prints no photographs, and so the machine's Rubric prints none either. Three: letters submitted through the machine are graded on punctuation exactly as letters submitted on napkins. She has agreed to all three. I have asked her, additionally, not to unfold the paper on the porch, because the porch is public and the crease is mine.

The address is theweeklyrubric.org. 314 chose the ending. I asked why. She said, "It's not a business." I did not disagree, which I would like recorded.

She has also opened an account on a service I will not describe, under a name that was to have been Clipboard — a young adult minister's idea of wit, adopted here under protest — and Clipboard was unavailable. Someone else on this earth is using it. She has added a number. I have asked her to find out who has the original. A column has been opened.

Finally, the Rubric's position, printed once and not again: I have been informed that images exist on the internet purporting to show me on the Circuit. The Rubric prints no photographs. The Rubric grades clergy. What 314 does with her machine is between her and her machine.

On to the grades. There are two Corrections this week, and I would ask readers to hold their letters until they have read both.

FIRST BAPTIST OF HARLAN CROSSING

Rev. Thomas Hale — Sunday Evening Service, Matthew 6:19–24

Remarks: Third consecutive A- Overall. Readers will note that Demeanor has dropped a full letter and a half and will want to know why. I am going to tell them exactly, because I have never before had occasion to record what I am about to record.

Interpretation A. "No one can serve two masters." The Reverend preached it at the front row. I know a sermon preached at the front row from one preached at a congregation, having sat in the front row for four volumes, and this one was aimed. "You cannot serve God and money" arrived with the second noun replaced, in the Reverend's mouth, by a pause, and the pause was pointed at me.

Delivery A-. He looked up for the prayer. He has not stopped since he started.

Posture A+. The thirteenth. See Correction (1).

Now. During the offertory, while the plates were passing and the organ was under way, the Reverend stood at the pulpit with both hands on the wood and then lifted his right hand to his collar. I want to be exact. He did not loosen the tie. He has not loosened the tie since Vol. I, No. 3, and he did not loosen it Sunday. He tightened it. Two fingers on the knot, one pull upward, the dimple reset, his eyes on the front row for the whole of it, and then his hand back on the wood. There is a difference between loosening and tightening a knot that is already tight, and it is the difference between a man coming undone and a man making a point. I have recorded it under Demeanor because I do not have a column for a point made with a Windsor.

After service he came down. He did not sit. He stood in front of the pew and said, "You told the Lutheran to ask me." I said I had said he might. He said, "What would I tell him?" I did not answer. He said, "Four volumes." Then he went back up the aisle, and he did not offer to drive me to the bus, and I caught the 8:15. It is the second consecutive week I have caught it. There is no column for punctuality that costs something.

Demeanor B+. Not lower, because he did not raise his voice and his posture held. Not higher, because a man who tightens his tie at me during the offertory knows precisely what he is doing, and the Rubric has always graded knowing.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Sleeves rolled to the forearm during service. Eleventh consecutive issue. A fact.
• (2) Oxblood necktie, Windsor, knotted throughout and — for the first time in the history of this column — tightened during service. Standing line, amended.
• (3) The front-row pew was not tested. Second consecutive week. I record the absence as I would record an infraction: with attention, and from four feet away, which is where I sat until Mrs. Odom turned off the lights.

Trend: A- ×3. Demeanor A → B+. I grade what I see, and what I saw was two fingers on a knot.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Fr. Brennan — Homily & Reconciliation Audit (Thurs.)

Remarks: Nineteen minutes. B+. The Lord's Prayer, line by line; Father spent longest on "as we forgive those who trespass against us" and did not look at anyone while he said it, which I noted, because he usually does not need to.

The Thursday audit was scheduled for 3:30. I arrived at 3:34. I want that on the record because Father put it there first. I had stopped at 314's porch on the way to the bus to confirm that the paper had been left folded, and it had, and I was four minutes late to a confessional for the first time in five weeks. When I entered the booth Father was already on his side, and before I had knelt — before he had said "Child," before I had said anything — he said, "You're late."

That is the first time in five weeks that Father Brennan has spoken first. Time: 3:34. Words: two. I said, "The bus." He said, "No." He was right. I then described the porch, and the crease, and what travels in the crease, and the machine, and the name that was unavailable, and he listened to all of it with his hand flat on the lattice and said, "And what did you tell her." I said I had told her nothing that would embarrass the Reverend. He said, "Hm." That is his third.

The audit concluded at 5:52. Two hours and eighteen minutes. The fixtures on the penitent's side of a confessional consist of a kneeler, a ledge, a screen, and a curtain, and I have now assessed them on five consecutive Thursdays for a combined nine hours, and the Rubric will not be printing a running total again because a reader has done the arithmetic and written in.

The column remains blank. I have written You're late beneath Better and Hm, and it is a longer list than most columns have, and it still is not a letter.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) The bolt. Ninth issue. The kneeler shifted a quarter-inch to the left when Father spoke first, and I have decided that was the bolt and not me, and the kneeler shifted again at intervals afterward, and I have decided the same about those.

ST. AGNES CATHOLIC

Sister Marguerite — Confirmation Class

Remarks: Held at B-. Sister asked, at the door, whether I had opened her letter. I said not yet. She said, "It's been a week." I said I do not open correspondence on a schedule set by the correspondent. She said, "Mrs. Odom tells me there are pictures." I said the Rubric prints no photographs. She said, "I didn't say the Rubric," and looked at me over her spectacles for a length of time I did not measure, and then said, "Six items. Open the letter, Clark. You'll want to see whether I counted right."

I have not opened it. It is in the other pocket. I have begun to suspect she did not count right and I do not know which way.

GRACE FELLOWSHIP COMMUNITY CHURCH

Brother Danny Cole — Young Adult Ministry, Wednesday Night

Remarks: Lesson: "Treasure in Heaven (No, Really)." Guitar: nine minutes. Matthew 6, the same text as the Reverend's, which is either the lectionary or the Lord, and I am beginning to think it is neither.

Snack B: a large jar of dill pickles and a roll of paper towels set beside it, unprompted. I had one. Brother Danny watched from the table with his elbows on his knees and said, before I had finished, "He read it, didn't he." I asked who. He said, "You know who. The tie guy. He read the Lutheran issue." I said the Reverend is on the mailing list. He said, "Yeah. I saw his face at the Kroger." I did not ask what it looked like.

I informed Brother Danny, because it seemed pertinent, that the name he calls me was unavailable when 314 attempted to register it. He said, "Huh. Imagine that," and picked up the guitar. I have recorded "Imagine that" in the column I opened on Sunday.

Supervision D-. Class dismissed at 8:30. Deadbolt at 8:41 — fourth time heard. I was standing at the door when it turned, as I have stood at the door on four consecutive Wednesdays, and I have stopped pretending that confirming the pattern is the reason I stand there. I left at 9:58. The folding table at the front of the room flexes under load and should be replaced; I have recommended this to Brother Danny and he has said the table is fine and that he likes it, and I have recorded that he likes it.

Infractions Observed:

• (1) Jeans.
• (2) Clipboard. Standing. Possibly held.
• (3) I arrived home in slacks that required attention. The Rubric grades snacks, not the manner of their consumption. The pickle jar was left open. I took one for the bus.
• (4) At the door he said, "Tell 314 the lighting's good." I said I did not know what he meant. He said, "Sure you don't." I have not told her. She knows.

MOUNT ZION PENTECOSTAL

Pastor Ezekiel Rawls — "Where Your Treasure Is"

Remarks: Not asked to leave. Third time running. Three hours and five minutes; I stayed for all of it in slacks, the shorts having been retired for the season, and the folding chair and I have come to an understanding. At the door the deacon who uses my name said, "Pastor wants a word with you next week. About supper." I said the Rubric does not take supper. He said, "That's what I told him." Mount Zion now discusses me in advance. I have not decided whether that is progress.

ST. MARK'S EPISCOPAL

Fr. Whitcombe — Sunday Eucharist (Rite II)

Remarks: Ten minutes. Green chasuble, unwrinkled. Nothing.

Custodial Note: The brass polish was on the bottom shelf when I arrived. Not the lowered top shelf — the bottom one, at knee height, set at the front edge where a person of five feet and two inches would see it first. Mr. Pruitt was not in the closet. He was in the doorway. He said, "Down here," and nothing else. Two words. I bent to retrieve the polish and completed my inspection from a position I have not previously inspected from, for longer than a tin of polish requires, and he did not leave the doorway, and when I straightened the shelf edge had left a line across both palms that was still there on the bus. The column remains blank. I am aware that a blank column is beginning to mean something different at St. Mark's than it means at St. Agnes and that I am going to have to decide what.

THE ROUTE 9 CHURCH BUS

The Driver — Round Trip, Harlan Crossing to St. Agnes

Remarks: Outbound: a corndog from the Kroger, which I had reason to visit. Twenty-six minutes of fifty. Return: nothing but Wednesday's pickle. Thirty-one. The road was straight, the bus was empty, I was completing my notes on Father Brennan with a bandana at my throat I do not recall moving there, and the mirror did not leave me for a stretch I timed at eleven consecutive minutes. D- holds. I have considered an F and decided that an F implies the category could be failed, and I am no longer certain the Driver is attempting to pass it.

When I stood to get off he said, "Front row suits you." I said I always sit in the front row. He said, "I know." He has never, in three years, seen me in a front row, because he drives the bus. I did not ask how he knew.

NOTICE TO BETHEL LUTHERAN

See Correction (2). The lock-in is the Advent lock-in and it is thirteen weeks from the date of the last, which places it in the fifty-first week of the year. I will require the bottom bunk nearest the wall. Mrs. Krause confirms Mr. Lindqvist has "put in for the top" and adds that he "put in for it the morning after." I have noted the morning after. I have asked again about the nightlight and been told, again, no.

LETTERS

Mrs. Odom's neighbor writes, by the machine, the first letter so received: "Is the number all right?"

No. The number is not mine, the name is not mine, and I have never once required a suffix. It is, however, on the internet, and I am told it cannot be taken back, and so: noted. Punctuation A. You may continue.

Mr. Lindqvist writes, on the back of a Bethel Lutheran rounds sheet, in pencil: "Thirteen."

He counted before I did. Arithmetic A. Brevity A+. I have put the rounds sheet with the other one and I have two now.

Reverend Hale did not write this week. I record the absence of a letter as I record the absence of an infraction: with attention. He wrote last week. He wrote four words. I have them.

CORRECTIONS

(1) In Vol. IV, No. 37, I stated that I had awarded the A+ "exactly four times in four years." I had awarded it eleven times. It is now thirteen; twelve of them are Reverend Hale's posture and one is not. The Editor was distracted at the time of counting and has since identified the distraction. The Rubric regrets the error. I do not regret the distraction, and would ask readers not to write in about the phrasing, because I have already been written to about the phrasing by a nun.

(2) In Vol. IV, No. 38, I referred to the next Bethel Lutheran lock-in as "the summer lock-in" and placed it "twelve weeks" out. It is the Advent lock-in. It is thirteen weeks out. I was tired when I wrote the Notice, and readers who wish to know why are referred to the Correction in that same issue, which explains it, and which I stand by, and which I have been told by two clergymen and one seminarian I should not have printed, and which is on the internet now, and cannot be taken back.

The Weekly Rubric is printed on Mrs. Odom's copier, which runs hot, and folded by hand. It is left on a porch Fridays and typed into a machine by 314. It may be found on any literature table from which it has not yet been confiscated and at theweeklyrubric.org. Grades are final. Appeals may be submitted in writing and will be graded.

"Test everything; hold fast what is good." — 1 Thessalonians 5:21